Sex? Shut up!
They married in love, both highly placed software professionals. Their families didn’t agree, so they chose to stay away from parents in a different city, and had a sweet daughter soon. Ties with parents resumed to formalities.
She developed a neurological problem and became almost crippled at an early age of 28. Also lost bladder and bowel control, became diaper dependant. He now takes care of her and the daughter, struggling to cope up with his job responsibilities. To save, he cooks at home often. Parents on both sides refused to assist in any way. He is thus tied up 24/7 since last five years, and I witnessed the downfall of a normal, happy man alongside the medical tragedy that unfolded upon his wife. “She would also have cared the same for me if this had happened to me” he says.
They cannot have sex due to her medical condition. He does not want to deceive her.
Last time, he broke down, talking alone to me. “Sir, people give weird suggestions. I want to have normal sex. I am starving since last 6 years. I don’t know what to do. Is it abnormal if I want to feel physical love? I can’t divorce her as even her parents have given her up, and I cannot even talk about this to her, it will hurt her. Saints, Law, society all advise so many things but don’t guide in my situation. It is very easy to advise celibacy to others. It was never my wish so I cannot accept that lifestyle. I was so full of life once, I am all suffocated now. There is no solution. Even talking about sex is a taboo in our country”.
I was used to the “relationship” concept in developed world, where it was common to see couples “break-up” far more easily after diagnosis of an incurable disease than in India, and sex is not “looked down upon” when others have it by choice. But any suggestions offered in this case would classify as “Immoral or Illegal” in India. A recent high-court judgement even equated one time sex with marriage and the compulsion thereof.
“One must find personal solace” is all that I could tell him, besides comforting him with kind words.
This affects many women and men in our country, due to physical or mental illness, superstition (guilt about having sexual feelings) or accidents. Some realise “impotence” or incorrectable “sexual abnormalities” of their partner only after the marriage, and are doomed to an almost sexless life. There are many clinics / specialists who can help some, but this mostly goes on as an inevitable relentless suffering. Their cross is the perpetual answer “Shut Up and kill your desire” from almost everyone. Many Indian parents look down upon their married children who even discuss sex. Most merchants of morals disappear from this scene. Law has no answers, it is only judgmental about this. Intellectuals use wise philosophical wordplays but don’t dare to answer straight.
Any valid / practical / intellectual suggestions for such cases?