The Two Faced And The Mirror © Dr. Rajas Deshpande
“I am far more than what anyone would define me to be. And my ego is not begging anyone to understand. It was my mistake, and I am over it now.” she said.
She kept her voice in control with tremendous effort. Her beautiful, extremely delicate and fair face with its sharp angles, thin sensible red lips and a quivering chin were all wet. Her curly hair was all messed up. Her large grey eyes were swollen, and one could feel the ache of her racing heart. But she refused to cry.
After a long relationship of over five years, on the brink of marriage, she had had a break up. Her boyfriend, a sensitive and handsome upcoming doctor, had come to a conclusion that she was not the kind of person he wanted to spend life with. They had grown together apart in last few months. He honestly told her so.
She could make his life hell, by fighting, showing others the many letters which he wrote to her earlier. She could have filed a police case. She could have gone to the Indian courts which have equated sex with a marriage deal. She had the social sympathy of being wronged, but she also had an eager army of young and old men willing to fight only for beautiful women, ready with buckets of mud.
But she was a differently honest woman.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
“I don’t want to take advantage of being a woman. I am equal. If I was involved in him, if I had a physical with him, it was my equal wish, and my equal fault. I enjoyed it when it happened. So now I cannot say he deceived me. He has as much freedom to change as I have.” she said.
“It’s not the same for a woman” said a friend to pacify her.
“Then it’s time I make it so.. at least for myself.. I don’t want to think I was mentally weak enough to be physically taken advantage of” she replied. “I cannot imagine that he is not suffering this break up. I know he is. I will not tie my body to my wishes and hopes. I do not want my body to be a currency. I am as divine physically and mentally as any other human being. I am entitled to feel the same freedom as he does”.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
Growing up in a twisted world which had umpteen layers of standards when dealing with women, she knew all the politically correct words. When a teenager girl falls in love, the parents allege of her having been “deceived in a trust trap”. As if she was never aware of such traps, as if she was never educated of how most men behave. The concept of falling in love while growing up, having a relationship which may not terminate in a marriage is all too heavy for many societies, and there are umpteen resources roped in to chain a beautiful man-woman bond into the shackles of religious, social, cultural dictats.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
There are many instances of women being abused, mistreated and in general discriminated against, but there also are many (especially in the educated and higher classes) instances of the opposite. Both are equally bad and to be raised voice against. A woman should never be touched or spoken to against her will, and a man should also be treated with the same dignity. Wrong intention is not the monopoly of men.
“I will suffer, I know. But this is not extraordinary. People meet, like and dislike each other and go their own ways. To think that one can only correctly like and love someone with the sole purpose of marrying is too hypocritical. There are singles who love better than many married ones. There are many who found their soulmates after a lot of experimentation. Marriage is definitely a holy and respectable bond, but certainly not the only seal of true love”.
She went on. She recovered, albeit with scars. So did he. They are both doing quite well now, great achievers. They have both found new love again.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
The beauty of life is too big to be trapped inside the tiny cells of sociocultural prisons.
The words “I Love You” are used less to express true love than to express mortal desires, to blackmail someone into doing something that they do not want to, to take advantage of the emotional dependence and respect of the one who has affection for the other. This “blackmail by beloved” becomes a deadly game of unhappy endings in many cases, as the chains of these three beautiful words wear out by overuse. “You will do this if you truly love me” is an ultimate indication of a desperado taking advantage, on either side, who hasn’t the guts to ask for what they want and respect the other person’s choice to decline.
There are also the two faced. I know of a lady who turned into a sweet talking angel and continually talked about her ‘being a good girl always’, grabbing the attention of people around her every which way possible, to have them praise her. If they didn’t, she would cry to describe the umpteen unfair things happening to her, most of them imaginary. If not praise, she would try and get sympathy. But the real deal was when she turned into an altogether different person when with her husband. She’d throw tantrums, shout, break glasses and even assault her husband. She would not only attack him with forks / knives, but simultaneously shouted “Someone please save me, he is beating me, please don’t hit me” etc. The neighbours always looked upon the poor guy as if he was some kind of a villain, as she always was so sweet with them! After years of this hell, when he spoke about it to our common lawyer friend, he was advised “Whatever you do, do not hit her.. the whole world will blindly turn against you immediately. No one wants to know or understand the truth in a man-woman quarrel. Men are presumed and declared guilty already”.
“What’s my option? She attacks me, hits me, tortures me and no one ever believes when I say this.. not even my own relatives.. because she is an entirely different person with them” my helplessly torn friend asked.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
“Leave that house” was the option the lawyer suggested.
We need better understanding, better interaction and better counsellors / resources while dealing with the most delicate of all relationships: the man-woman relationship. We need a less critical and judgmental society, we need better laws and open discussions.
The newer generations appear far more mature about acceptance of ‘break-ups’. There also are some excellent counsellors working in this field now. However the tendency to emphatically keep on repeating that every marriage is a happy ending in itself, that one’s spouse is the most ultimate best thing to have happened to oneself etc. is not necessary. It is like shouting “I am not a thief” in the street when no one has blamed you to be one. If you have a good husband or wife, you are lucky and deserve it. If not, one must have the courage to sort things out without pretending.
I am proud of the woman in first case, she is my student. I am also proud of the man in second case, who survived ending that relation.
The judgmental mudslingers in both cases are having a hard time dealing with their own lives for a change. Some spend an entire life time away from the beauty of reality. Others win the game of life.
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
The Two Faced And The Mirror © Dr. Rajas Deshpande