Tag Archives: anger

The Angry Husband Pandemic

The Angry Husband Pandemic

© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

“She can’t tell properly. I will tell” said the husband when I asked the patient what were her complaints. Right from the name, it was him who had answered all the questions for her.

“Does she have a speech problem?” I asked him.

“No” he replied, then the wife started telling her complaints.

The list was typical of stress related complaints: chronic aches and pains, sleep problems, lack of interest, tiredness, giddiness: a picture also frighteningly common among the youth today.

“What do you think is the main reason for your stress?” I asked, after I found that her examination was normal. The husband offered to wait outside, and she said yes.

Once he was out, the lady regained her composure, took in a deep breath, and folded her hands. “Doc, please don’t tell all this to him. I am terrified. My husband is a very angry person, and reacts very aggressively to small mistakes or whatever is against his wish. He was not this angry earlier, but he is under a lot of work pressure himself, so whenever he comes home, I think I have to accept this anger because he has no other place to vent his feelings. Even when he calls, he snaps at the smallest of things, scolds and insults me. On weekends he wants to be left alone and if at all I try to interact he has outbursts of anger. Earlier I thought that this was the beginning phase of his career, so I tolerated. But now my whole life revolves around this fear of his reactions. He treats other women very formally and mannerfully, but treats me like dirt”. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

She wasn’t alone. The phenomenon of wife being intimidated by anger of her husband is one of the most common relationship statuses in India. Even when 70 or 80 year old couples visit, the wife usually requests the doctor to advise her life partner of over 50 years to control his anger. Superiority and validity of anger of a man over a woman is so commonly accepted in India, that if some husband treats his wife equal, questions are raised as to his being “man-enough”. Paradox: I know of a wife who told her husband in their terminal fight before divorce: “May be you didn’t know how to handle a woman. Maybe you should have slapped and kicked me and treated me like my father treated my mom. They never had fights, because he knew how to shut her up”.

The implications of applying the Global western culture to an orthodox society are many, and mostly disastrous where human relationships are concerned. While some women proudly boast about the anger and domination of their husbands, and how ‘secure’ they feel about this ‘manliness’ that controls them, only a few realise how far away from true gender equality we all are. Growing up with “Princesses and Damsels in Distress” being rescued by “Knights In Shining Armours”, we have probably conditioned our minds too much to notice whether the Knight treated the Princess well in the “Happily Ever After”.

Let us not even talk about the “he-works-and-earns-so-naturally-tired-and-angry” type, or the “Highly-praises-his-wife-in-public-but-treats-her-like-dirt-at-home” type. The blind acceptance of what earlier generations considered normalcy and words in lieu of actions are both crimes we are all equally guilty of. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Implications of this angry husband? A woman who spends her life never growing up being herself, stays a slave to his whimsical outbursts of love playing a hide-and seek with humiliation and anger. Some do this while working and raising children, while some others do it sacrificing the high education and training they have taken, in the name of making a family.

Making a family also means happiness and freedom of thought, speech and action for a woman, responsibility sharing and respect towards the feelings of each other, but this is yet to dawn in many societies, where the bread winner automatically becomes the master and the remaining family members his slave. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

To be just, one must also mention that there indeed are women counterparts of this phenomenon, where the anger outbursts of a woman hold the entire family for an emotional ransom, where the husband and kids never can feel ‘at home’ in the one where she dwells. But fortunately this is rare.

There also are rare pleasures of meeting some brilliant couples who have mannerful and respectful attitude towards each other (not a show). They hold hands, stay together, and laugh genuinely, whether in public or at home. Those are the definitions of love. An occasional tiff may be unavoidable, but there’s rarely anything that cannot be resolved when the two in a relationship know the correct balance between words and silence. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Sometimes some diplomatic men boast with too many chests about their success and achievements, while mentioning in their speeches how their wife was their strength and how she is an ‘equal partner’ in their success, how they could succeed because ‘she looked after the family and kids’, just looking at the wife’s face tells volumes about the reality. My stupid mind is sometimes tempted to ask “Did she choose that or was her duty taken for granted?”.

As I counselled the couple, I realised that so many times we cannot fight deep rooted socio-cultural notions of gender inequality. In the age of rabid egos where there are more break ups than patch ups, where we know more words than feelings, where winning verbal argument is considered a superior ability to healing actions, it is becoming perpetually difficult to imagine that marital relationships will evolve any further unless immediate steps are taken to educate children right from school about the correct interpretation of gender equality and the incorrectness of what is being accepted as normalcy: “Anger Outbursts” under the pretext of being stressed or busy.

For anger or the presumption that it is justified against one’s life partner as a ‘soul venting’ mechanism are both unhealthy for everyone involved: a disease that has now become a pandemic.

© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Please share unedited if you believe in true gender equality.

The Braveheart Orthopaedic Surgeon

The Braveheart Orthopaedic Surgeon
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande


The stunned auditorium was hijacked by shame. Nearly a thousand paralysed audience helplessly watched the ongoing horrific drama.

It was the annual day function, the only colourful evening in the year that the whole staff, the Dean, all teachers, resident doctors and students from all batches come together in the medical college. Extraordinary talents that the doctors otherwise have to sacrifice for lack of time: Singing, Acting, Music etc. resurface this one night. I was still in my first year.

Midway through, one resident doctor climbed upon the stage. He was a strong leader, a good student when sober, and had a strong political support, hence usually had his way around everyone. He was excessively drunk. He took charge of the microphone. Few of his friends, some also drunk, were guarding the doors.

“Our Dean is a drunkard. He is also corrupt, he takes bribe from everyone for everything. He is having an affair with this professor of XYZ department. I order the dean to come here on the stage and apologise after I slap him”.

This was beyond anyone’s imagination. One of the teachers requested the drunken offender to please come off stage, but received a flurry of obscene abuses. There was a silence that prayed for relief from this situation.

Dr. Devendrasingh Paliwal got up from the audience.
“Chal, bahot ho gaya drama. Main aa raha hun. Karle kya karega. This is not the place for your allegations. Get down”. Devendra was always known for his physical fitness, and had an intimidating personality. Straightforward and kind, he had almost no enemies.

He went to the stage, grabbed the mic from the offending drunk, handed it over to the MC, and brought down the drunken resident. Within a moment some others joined him to avoid the impending scuffle. The dean and many teachers felt the relief of a lifetime.

Those who anticipated fun at the cost of misery to others were of course disappointed, but at the beginning of my medical career I learnt one of the most valuable lessons of my life: It takes one man to be courageous, not a herd. If you have guts to get up and protest the wrong, there is a fair chance you will succeed. A good man’s fear is the bad man’s strength.

That night at 2 AM, after the programme I went with my friends to the hotel near the railway station for tea. Too much excitement prevailed. Devendra was sitting with his friends at a nearby table. I went to him and introduced myself. He smiled as if nothing special had happened, shook hands and told me “Kisike baap se bhi kabhi nahi darne ka (never ever be scared of anyone).”

We became good friends, we also shared a common mess. Studying at night and going to the railway station (6 kilometres away) for a tea break at 3 AM was also common, and Devendra often asked others to race him to run back those 6 kms after the tea. I can proudly say that I reached second, although a good two minutes after him!

He became an orthopaedic surgeon and started his own hospital, but his ‘Gene’ of fighting injustice and standing up for the good never left him. Stress and anger can be a big hindrance for a doctor, especially a surgeon, so he decided to drown his ‘stress-anger’ into exercise. Always a fitness icon himself, even today he does two hours of cycling and an hour of gymming. “It helps me concentrate better during my practice and surgery, and also keeps me totally fit” he says.

Few years ago, a doctor was arrested in a typical example of a hyperreactive populist system. This was illegal, but many a times the system gets away with the illegal more fluently than the citizen. Dr. Devendrasingh Paliwal was the president of the local IMA (Indian Medical Association) chapter. He took the system, police and politicos “Head On” as was his nature always. The city’s hospitals shut down. This enraged the politicos but encouraged the medical fraternity to unite like never before, and the doctor, wrongfully in police custody for 8 days, was released!

Dr. Devendra then worked to straighten out the relations with the system, and formulated a “Modus Operandi” involving the police and local politicians to protect the interests of both patients and doctors so that goons and petty politicos do not blackmail either. If only all the IMA chapters follow this lead (and I must also mention the excellent IMA unity and extraordinary leadership in Goa: Dr. Sam Arawattigi, and Kalyan: Dr. Prashant Patil), half the irregularities and injustice against doctors and patients will disappear.

“I have always kept friendship, professional courtesies and Humanity above my medical practice” Devendra says, “I take it for granted that it is my duty to treat free those who cannot pay”.

It is pathetic today to see many brilliant doctors working in perpetual fear under those who exploit them, by choice or in desperation, accepting humiliating and patient-unfriendly working conditions.. People like Dr. Devendrasingh Paliwal are a hope our profession can look upto.

All other things may change, but the value of fitness, courage in one’s heart and a kind nature that compels one to help others are some things which will never change their place as the best three human virtues.

Medical careers are drenched with excess hard work, stress and anxiety. The one training that the doctors in making must inculcate from the beginning is that of physical and mental fitness. Doctors leading a stressful life and always having to present a ‘pleasant face’ to the patients and colleagues, either suffer their negativity alone or pour it out upon their family. Daily physical exercise is an excellent remedy of many frustrations that accompany medical practice. Dr. Devendrasingh Paliwal not only sets an example by doing this, he goes way beyond his duties to bail out others from difficult situations: medical, surgical and social.

I consider myself fortunate that I met this fearless braveheart fitness icon who infused the right “mantras” of courage and fitness into me at the beginning of my medical career!
Much obliged, Dr. Devendrasingh Paliwal!
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande