Tag Archives: discrimination

The Proud Indian

 

The Proud Indian
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

“I was a man of action. It hurts me inside when I look at myself now” said the huge gentleman.
It was indeed sad to see the state he was in. Parkinson’s disease not only slows the body, but also makes one quite stiff, as if the body is made of some heavy stone. The side effects of levodopa, the most common medicine used in Parkinson’s disease patients, was also causing too many abnormal movements.I told him that some changes were required in his doses, and that I needed his cooperation and patience. He agreed, then I wrote him a new prescription.

“By the way, Doctor, if any of your poor patients needs any help with treatment or medicines, please let me know. I will arrange” he said once I finished with the instructions. Always needy for this cause, I took down his details.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

He came over a month later, happy. This time he donated for an orphanage I often wrote about. I was more than happy, and told him he did not have to pay my fees ever.

“Thank you, Doctor, but you must let me help your poor patients” said Mr. Abdulkadar Mulla.

Over a period of time, I came to know that he donates medicines and free check up kits required for the treatment of young girls from interior adiwasi areas. He spends thousands of rupees every year, since many years, to help run health camps for such children, mostly through the BKL Walawalkar hospital at Dervan in Ratnagiri district.

This time Mr. Abdulkadar Mulla came over, I tried to understand why he is going out of the way to help out children from the interior.

“Because most people are interested in the kind of show-off charity. When you donate to famous organizations in the big cities, your contributions are recognized and published instantly. That is one reason, charity does not often reach where it must: the interior, deprived sections of our country”.
He paused.
“I must say this, doctor, please don’t misunderstand. I feel very bad when someone thinks of me less of a patriot just because I am a Muslim. I have served in Indian police, I have been in the elite VVIP security, I have served India as my own country. It hurts me when some people loose talk that all Muslims should go to Pakistan. India is my country too, I was born and brought up here, studied alongside classmates from many other religions, I have friends in almost every religion. I have served the nation honestly in an extremely responsible position, and am now serving the society by contributing in the most impartial way I can. There are limitations to what I can do as an individual to go on proving my honesty to my country. It hurts when people accuse us without even knowing us. From film stars to cricket players, so many Muslims are making India proud, still some people generalise against us”.

I had no answer. I told him that at least doctors are bred to never entertain that discrimination, that no medical student is fit to become a doctor until he / she can see each patient only as a human life without any other tag. Whether it is policemen or criminals, dirty politicians or reporters who paint our profession in the worst shades, patient from this country or that, from one religion or another: we doctors have only one duty: save life, safeguard health. There is no religion to the happiness of a saved life, nor to the agony of a death. There is no religion to the hand that helps. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

I remembered the many Muslim classmates I had through my school and medical college. In fact, I was so close to one in my medical college, that his mother loved me like her own child, and cooked me delicious ‘vegetarian’ dishes whenever I went to their home. Some of my Muslim friends now have their own hospitals treating patients from all religions, especially poor. One of my extremely religious Muslim friends, a super-specialist, treats hundreds of poor patients from all religions: without any discrimination in his treatment or approach.

All of us have been through this, everyone who truly worships God knows love for other human beings. It is very important to pass this “Indianness” on to the future generations, and not fall prey to lesser thoughts, however loud. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Mr. Mulla told me he had had a spinal surgery, during which a surgeon mentioned the charity work at Dervan hospital. “I decided to donate to this hospital at Dervan. This way my hard-earned money reaches where it is most needed” he said. This institute, presently headed by Dr. Suvarna Patil, conducts multiple health-centered activities for children on a charity basis. Many renowned doctors and other professionals from India and abroad participate in their activities.

“Saare Jahan Se Achcha Hindosta Hamara” by the poet Iqbal brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it! I am proud to meet the likes of Mr. Abdulkadar Mulla, who prove by their silent actions who they truly are. I am also proud to belong to the community of doctors, for whom human life is beyond any discrimination.

Jai Hind! Happy Republic Day!
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
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The Angry Husband Pandemic

The Angry Husband Pandemic

© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

“She can’t tell properly. I will tell” said the husband when I asked the patient what were her complaints. Right from the name, it was him who had answered all the questions for her.

“Does she have a speech problem?” I asked him.

“No” he replied, then the wife started telling her complaints.

The list was typical of stress related complaints: chronic aches and pains, sleep problems, lack of interest, tiredness, giddiness: a picture also frighteningly common among the youth today.

“What do you think is the main reason for your stress?” I asked, after I found that her examination was normal. The husband offered to wait outside, and she said yes.

Once he was out, the lady regained her composure, took in a deep breath, and folded her hands. “Doc, please don’t tell all this to him. I am terrified. My husband is a very angry person, and reacts very aggressively to small mistakes or whatever is against his wish. He was not this angry earlier, but he is under a lot of work pressure himself, so whenever he comes home, I think I have to accept this anger because he has no other place to vent his feelings. Even when he calls, he snaps at the smallest of things, scolds and insults me. On weekends he wants to be left alone and if at all I try to interact he has outbursts of anger. Earlier I thought that this was the beginning phase of his career, so I tolerated. But now my whole life revolves around this fear of his reactions. He treats other women very formally and mannerfully, but treats me like dirt”. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

She wasn’t alone. The phenomenon of wife being intimidated by anger of her husband is one of the most common relationship statuses in India. Even when 70 or 80 year old couples visit, the wife usually requests the doctor to advise her life partner of over 50 years to control his anger. Superiority and validity of anger of a man over a woman is so commonly accepted in India, that if some husband treats his wife equal, questions are raised as to his being “man-enough”. Paradox: I know of a wife who told her husband in their terminal fight before divorce: “May be you didn’t know how to handle a woman. Maybe you should have slapped and kicked me and treated me like my father treated my mom. They never had fights, because he knew how to shut her up”.

The implications of applying the Global western culture to an orthodox society are many, and mostly disastrous where human relationships are concerned. While some women proudly boast about the anger and domination of their husbands, and how ‘secure’ they feel about this ‘manliness’ that controls them, only a few realise how far away from true gender equality we all are. Growing up with “Princesses and Damsels in Distress” being rescued by “Knights In Shining Armours”, we have probably conditioned our minds too much to notice whether the Knight treated the Princess well in the “Happily Ever After”.

Let us not even talk about the “he-works-and-earns-so-naturally-tired-and-angry” type, or the “Highly-praises-his-wife-in-public-but-treats-her-like-dirt-at-home” type. The blind acceptance of what earlier generations considered normalcy and words in lieu of actions are both crimes we are all equally guilty of. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Implications of this angry husband? A woman who spends her life never growing up being herself, stays a slave to his whimsical outbursts of love playing a hide-and seek with humiliation and anger. Some do this while working and raising children, while some others do it sacrificing the high education and training they have taken, in the name of making a family.

Making a family also means happiness and freedom of thought, speech and action for a woman, responsibility sharing and respect towards the feelings of each other, but this is yet to dawn in many societies, where the bread winner automatically becomes the master and the remaining family members his slave. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

To be just, one must also mention that there indeed are women counterparts of this phenomenon, where the anger outbursts of a woman hold the entire family for an emotional ransom, where the husband and kids never can feel ‘at home’ in the one where she dwells. But fortunately this is rare.

There also are rare pleasures of meeting some brilliant couples who have mannerful and respectful attitude towards each other (not a show). They hold hands, stay together, and laugh genuinely, whether in public or at home. Those are the definitions of love. An occasional tiff may be unavoidable, but there’s rarely anything that cannot be resolved when the two in a relationship know the correct balance between words and silence. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Sometimes some diplomatic men boast with too many chests about their success and achievements, while mentioning in their speeches how their wife was their strength and how she is an ‘equal partner’ in their success, how they could succeed because ‘she looked after the family and kids’, just looking at the wife’s face tells volumes about the reality. My stupid mind is sometimes tempted to ask “Did she choose that or was her duty taken for granted?”.

As I counselled the couple, I realised that so many times we cannot fight deep rooted socio-cultural notions of gender inequality. In the age of rabid egos where there are more break ups than patch ups, where we know more words than feelings, where winning verbal argument is considered a superior ability to healing actions, it is becoming perpetually difficult to imagine that marital relationships will evolve any further unless immediate steps are taken to educate children right from school about the correct interpretation of gender equality and the incorrectness of what is being accepted as normalcy: “Anger Outbursts” under the pretext of being stressed or busy.

For anger or the presumption that it is justified against one’s life partner as a ‘soul venting’ mechanism are both unhealthy for everyone involved: a disease that has now become a pandemic.

© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

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