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एक आशीर्वाद का रंग (डॉ. बाबासाहेब आंबेडकर की स्मृति को समर्पित)

एक आशीर्वाद का रंग
(डॉ. बाबासाहेब आंबेडकर की स्मृति को समर्पित)
© डॉ. राजस देशपांडे
न्यूरोलॉजिस्ट पुणे

दवाई की मात्रा को सावधानी से गिनकर मैंने इंट्रावेनस सोल्यूशन तैयार किया. सुई पहले से ही लगाकर रखी थी. “मैं दवाई का इंजेक्शन शुरू कर रहा हूँ. अगर कोई भी तकलीफ हो तो तुरंत बताइये, मैं यहीं बैठा हूँ” मैंने उस बूढी औरत से कहा. अपने दर्द की परतों के पीछे से वह मुस्कुराई. उसका बेटा, मेरा लेक्चरर डॉ. एसके , वहीँ खड़ा था. उसने अपनी माँ के सर पर हाथ रखा, और कहा, “ये मेरा विद्यार्थी यहीं रुकेगा. मुझे बाकी पेशंट देखने हैं, आज काफी भीड़ हैं. तू चिंता न कर माँ, अगर कुछ जरूरत हो तो इसे बता देना”. वह चला गया.

डॉ. एसके की माँ को कैंसर के लिए कीमोथेरेपी दी जा रही थी. इसमें से एक दवाई का सॉलूशन तैयार करना और उसे इंट्रावेनस (खून की नसों में से) बराबर मात्रा में देना काफी मुश्किल काम था. मेरे गाइड डॉ. प्रदीप (पिवाय) मुळे ने मुझे कुछ दिन पहले ही इस दवाई के बारे में सिखाया था, इसलिए डॉ. एसके ने मुझे बुलाया था. मैं तब एक सरकारी दवाखाने में अपने एमडी मेडिसिन के पहले वर्ष का रेजिडेंट डॉक्टर था.

कुछ समय के बाद मैंने देखा की उस पेशंट की यूरिन बैग (पेशाब की थैली) पूरी तरह से भर गई थी. वार्ड में काम करने वाली मौसी किसी और काम से बाहर गई थी. ऐसे हालात में एक रेजिडेंट डॉक्टर को हर काम करना पड़ता है. मैंने ग्लव्स / दस्ताने पहनकर नर्स से एक बाल्टी मांगी, और यूरिन बैग से उसमें पेशाब निकलकर वार्ड के बाथरूम की तरफ चल पड़ा. तभी डॉ. एसके वापिस आ गए. उन्होंने मुझसे वह बाल्टी मांगी, कहा “मैं ले जाता हूँ” पर मैंने कहा के मैंने ग्लव्स पहने हैं, मैं ही रखकर आता हूँ. मैंने वह बाल्टी वार्ड के बाथरूम के बाहर रख दी, मौसी बाद में उसे साफ़ कर देती. © डॉ. राजस देशपांडे

जब दवाई ख़त्म हुई, तो डॉ. एसके ने मुझे चाय पीने के लिए साथ चलने के लिए कहा. हॉस्पिटल के पीछे ही एक छोटी सी चाय की दुकान थी. थोड़ा हिचकिचाने के बाद उन्होने कहा : “सुनो, ग़लतफ़हमी न हो, लेकिन जब मैंने देखा कि तुम मेरी माँ के पेशाब की बाल्टी लेकर जा रहे थे, मुज्झे अचम्भा सा हुआ. तुम ब्राह्मण हो ना? जब तुम बाहर थे, तो मेरी माँ ने भी मुझ पर गुस्सा किया, और कहा, क्यों मैंने तुम्हे वो बाल्टी उठाने दी. हम बहुजन समाज से आते हैं. तुम्हे पता भी होगा, मैं अपने समाज के एसोसिएशन का नेता हूँ.”.

मुझे पता था. डॉ. एसके के नाम से काफी लोग डरते थे. पर एक निहायत बेडर और आक्रामक नेता होने के बावजूद वो एक अच्छे दिलवाला इंसान भी था. जब भी किसी पर अन्याय होता, तोह बिना जाति-पाती के बारे में सोचे वो उसकी मदद करता. गरीबों के लिए उसे विशेष प्रेम और सहानुभूति थी. किसी तरह का भेदभाव उसे पसंद नहीं था.

मैंने कहा “सर, मैं ये सब नहीं सोचता. पेशेंट तो पेशंट ही होता है, पर यहाँ वो आपकी माँ भी हैं, जो भी उसके लिए करना पड़े मेरा तो कर्त्तव्य बनता है. मैं अपने मन में कभी जाति-पाती का विचार न करूँ, न ही कभी किसी से भेदभाव करूँ, ये ही तालीम मुझे मेरे माता पिता ने मुझे बचपन से दी है”. © डॉ. राजस देशपांडे

“ठीक है”, उन्होंने कहा, “मेरा तुम्हारे बारे में कोई पूर्वग्रह / प्रेज्यूडिस था, वो अब चला गया. अगर तुम्हे कोई भी विपत्ति कभी भी हो, तो बड़ा भाई समझकर मुझे बता देना.” . कितनी ईमानदारी और धैर्य से उन्होंने एक कठिन बात को सरलता से कहा था!
जबतक अपने आप को दुसरे भारतीयों से ऊंचा या अलग समझने वाले हर भारतीय को कोई पश्चिमी जातिवादी (रेसिस्ट) “ब्राउन / ब्लैक” कहकर नीचा नहीं दिखता, उसे भेदभाव का दर्द नहीं समझ सकता.

संयोग से, कुछ दिन बाद ही, मेरी अपने एक प्रोफेसर से कुछ तू तू मैं मैं हो गई . उन्होंने मुझे अपने चैम्बर में बुलाकर कहा ” जब तक मैं तेरा एग्जामिनर हूँ, तू पास नहीं होगा”. मैं परेशान हो गया. मेरी आर्थिक स्थिति तो खस्ता हाल थी ही, पर मेरा बेटा अभी छोटा सा था और मेरे माँ-बाप मेरे वापिस आकर उनके पास रहने कि आस लगाए बैठे थे. फेल होना मेरे लिए बहुत बड़ी मुश्किल खड़ी कर देता. © डॉ. राजस देशपांडे

मैंने डॉ. एसके से मिलकर मेरी परेशानी बताई. वो मुझे उस प्रोफेसर से मिलने ले गए. पहले उन्होंने मुझसे कहा के मैं उस प्रोफेसर से माफ़ी मांगू, बहस के लिए. मैंने माफ़ी मांग ली. फिर उन्होंने उस प्रोफेसर से कहा “राजस मेरा छोटा भाई है.इसे कभी कोई धमकी न देना. अगर ये परीक्षा में अच्छा परफॉर्म करें, तो इसे पास कीजिये, अगर नहीं, तो आप इसे भले ही फेल कीजिये. लेकिन अच्छा परफॉर्म करने के बावजूद भी अगर ये फ़ैल होगा, तो मैं जरूर आप के खिलाफ आवाज उठाऊंगा. बाकी तीन परीक्षकों से मैं पूछूंगा”.
प्रोफेसर साहब ने तब कहा के उन्होंने ज्यादा गुस्से में मुझे धमकी दी थी, उनका मुझे फ़ैल करने का कोई इरादा नहीं था. बात यहीं मिट गई.

परमात्मा कि कृपा, अच्छे गुरुजन और कड़ी मेहनत के कारण मैं अपनी एमडी मेडिसिन कि परीक्षा पहली ही बारी में ही पास हो गया. जब मिठाई लेकर मैं डॉ एसके के पैर छूने पहुंचा, तो उन्होंने मुझे अपनी माँ से भी मिलाया. उस ने अपने बटुए से सौ रुपये निकलकर मुझे दिए ही, पर बहुत प्यार से ढेर सारे आशीर्वाद भी दिए. © डॉ. राजस देशपांडे

अपने स्कूल और कॉलेज के दिनों में मेरे बहुत सारे दोस्त थे, समाज के सारे वर्गों से. विद्यार्थी कभी जाति के बारे में सोचकर दोस्त नहीं बनाते. कॉलेज के दिनों में मेरे डॉ. बाबासाहेब आंबेडकर एसोसिएशन के कार्यकर्ताओं से बहुत अच्छे सम्बन्ध थे, क्योंकि दो बार जब मैं किसी अन्याय के खिलाफ अकेला झगड़ रहा था, कोई साथ नहीं दे रहा था, तब उन्होंने मेरी बहुत मदद कि, उन्ही के कारण मैं अपनी ज़िन्दगी कि दो बड़ी लड़ाइयां जीत सका.

डॉ. बाबासाहेब आंबेडकर के पास दुनिया का सबसे प्रभावशाली अस्त्र था: फाउंटेन पेन. यह भी एक कारण है जो मुझे उनके प्रति बहुत आदर है. किसी और शस्त्र-अस्त्र कि जरूरत ही आदमी को नहीं है! समाज के दो समुदायों के बीच का कोई भी वाद-विवाद कभी भी झगड़ा या हिंसाचार से खतम नहीं हो सकता. एक-दुसरे के प्रति आदर और प्रेम दिल में रखकर साथ चलने से ही हम सारे समाधान खोज सकते हैं.

भाग्यवश, भारत में कोई भी डॉक्टर किसी भी पेशंट के बारे में सोचते हुए जाति-पाती का विचार नहीं करता. जैसे कोर्ट के आँगन में एक जज का अमल सर्वोच्च होता है, वैसे ही भारत के हर मेडिकल कैंपस में इंसानियत ही सर्वोच्च मानी जाति है. ह्रदय हो या खून, दिमाग हो या सांस, ये किसी भी जाति के अलग नहीं होते. बड़े दिमाग कि तरह ही एक बड़ा दिल भी मानव कि उन्नति का एक प्रमुख मानदंड है. © डॉ. राजस देशपांडे

मेरा सपना, मेरी प्रार्थना है कि समाज के विभिन्न घटकों के बीच में विभाजित विचारों के ये काले बादल हमेशा के लिए नष्ट हों. हम सारे एक दुसरे को अपनी जैसा ही केवल एक इंसान समझें, कोई भेदभाव न रहे. विद्यार्थियों में हर दरवाजा खोलने की, हर दीवार तोड़ने की क्षमता होती है, उनसे हमें बहुत उम्मीद है.

किसी भी भेदभाव को न मानते हुए हर पेशंट कि ज़िन्दगी और स्वस्थ्य के लिए दिन रात काम करने वाले वैद्यक समाज में से एक होने का मुझे गर्व है. अपनी प्रैक्टिस से बाहर भी, मेरा ये मानना है के जिस भी भगवान कि मैं पूजा करता हूँ, वही मिझे मिलने वाले हर व्यक्ति में मौजूद हैं.

एक पेशंट के आशीर्वाद का कोई रंग नहीं होता, दुआ कि कोई जाति यही होती. एक डॉक्टर होने के नाते मेरा धर्म, मेरी जाति, और मेरा कर्त्तव्य सारे एक ही है: सिर्फ इन्सानियत.

डॉ. राजस देशपांडे
न्यूरोलॉजिस्ट
रूबी हॉल क्लिनिक पुणे

जरूर शेयर करें.

The Angry Husband Pandemic

The Angry Husband Pandemic

© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

“She can’t tell properly. I will tell” said the husband when I asked the patient what were her complaints. Right from the name, it was him who had answered all the questions for her.

“Does she have a speech problem?” I asked him.

“No” he replied, then the wife started telling her complaints.

The list was typical of stress related complaints: chronic aches and pains, sleep problems, lack of interest, tiredness, giddiness: a picture also frighteningly common among the youth today.

“What do you think is the main reason for your stress?” I asked, after I found that her examination was normal. The husband offered to wait outside, and she said yes.

Once he was out, the lady regained her composure, took in a deep breath, and folded her hands. “Doc, please don’t tell all this to him. I am terrified. My husband is a very angry person, and reacts very aggressively to small mistakes or whatever is against his wish. He was not this angry earlier, but he is under a lot of work pressure himself, so whenever he comes home, I think I have to accept this anger because he has no other place to vent his feelings. Even when he calls, he snaps at the smallest of things, scolds and insults me. On weekends he wants to be left alone and if at all I try to interact he has outbursts of anger. Earlier I thought that this was the beginning phase of his career, so I tolerated. But now my whole life revolves around this fear of his reactions. He treats other women very formally and mannerfully, but treats me like dirt”. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

She wasn’t alone. The phenomenon of wife being intimidated by anger of her husband is one of the most common relationship statuses in India. Even when 70 or 80 year old couples visit, the wife usually requests the doctor to advise her life partner of over 50 years to control his anger. Superiority and validity of anger of a man over a woman is so commonly accepted in India, that if some husband treats his wife equal, questions are raised as to his being “man-enough”. Paradox: I know of a wife who told her husband in their terminal fight before divorce: “May be you didn’t know how to handle a woman. Maybe you should have slapped and kicked me and treated me like my father treated my mom. They never had fights, because he knew how to shut her up”.

The implications of applying the Global western culture to an orthodox society are many, and mostly disastrous where human relationships are concerned. While some women proudly boast about the anger and domination of their husbands, and how ‘secure’ they feel about this ‘manliness’ that controls them, only a few realise how far away from true gender equality we all are. Growing up with “Princesses and Damsels in Distress” being rescued by “Knights In Shining Armours”, we have probably conditioned our minds too much to notice whether the Knight treated the Princess well in the “Happily Ever After”.

Let us not even talk about the “he-works-and-earns-so-naturally-tired-and-angry” type, or the “Highly-praises-his-wife-in-public-but-treats-her-like-dirt-at-home” type. The blind acceptance of what earlier generations considered normalcy and words in lieu of actions are both crimes we are all equally guilty of. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Implications of this angry husband? A woman who spends her life never growing up being herself, stays a slave to his whimsical outbursts of love playing a hide-and seek with humiliation and anger. Some do this while working and raising children, while some others do it sacrificing the high education and training they have taken, in the name of making a family.

Making a family also means happiness and freedom of thought, speech and action for a woman, responsibility sharing and respect towards the feelings of each other, but this is yet to dawn in many societies, where the bread winner automatically becomes the master and the remaining family members his slave. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

To be just, one must also mention that there indeed are women counterparts of this phenomenon, where the anger outbursts of a woman hold the entire family for an emotional ransom, where the husband and kids never can feel ‘at home’ in the one where she dwells. But fortunately this is rare.

There also are rare pleasures of meeting some brilliant couples who have mannerful and respectful attitude towards each other (not a show). They hold hands, stay together, and laugh genuinely, whether in public or at home. Those are the definitions of love. An occasional tiff may be unavoidable, but there’s rarely anything that cannot be resolved when the two in a relationship know the correct balance between words and silence. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Sometimes some diplomatic men boast with too many chests about their success and achievements, while mentioning in their speeches how their wife was their strength and how she is an ‘equal partner’ in their success, how they could succeed because ‘she looked after the family and kids’, just looking at the wife’s face tells volumes about the reality. My stupid mind is sometimes tempted to ask “Did she choose that or was her duty taken for granted?”.

As I counselled the couple, I realised that so many times we cannot fight deep rooted socio-cultural notions of gender inequality. In the age of rabid egos where there are more break ups than patch ups, where we know more words than feelings, where winning verbal argument is considered a superior ability to healing actions, it is becoming perpetually difficult to imagine that marital relationships will evolve any further unless immediate steps are taken to educate children right from school about the correct interpretation of gender equality and the incorrectness of what is being accepted as normalcy: “Anger Outbursts” under the pretext of being stressed or busy.

For anger or the presumption that it is justified against one’s life partner as a ‘soul venting’ mechanism are both unhealthy for everyone involved: a disease that has now become a pandemic.

© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Please share unedited if you believe in true gender equality.

The Two Faced And The Mirror

The Two Faced And The Mirror © Dr. Rajas Deshpande
“I am far more than what anyone would define me to be. And my ego is not begging anyone to understand. It was my mistake, and I am over it now.” she said.
She kept her voice in control with tremendous effort. Her beautiful, extremely delicate and fair face with its sharp angles, thin sensible red lips and a quivering chin were all wet. Her curly hair was all messed up. Her large grey eyes were swollen, and one could feel the ache of her racing heart. But she refused to cry.
After a long relationship of over five years, on the brink of marriage, she had had a break up. Her boyfriend, a sensitive and handsome upcoming doctor, had come to a conclusion that she was not the kind of person he wanted to spend life with. They had grown together apart in last few months. He honestly told her so.
She could make his life hell, by fighting, showing others the many letters which he wrote to her earlier. She could have filed a police case. She could have gone to the Indian courts which have equated sex with a marriage deal. She had the social sympathy of being wronged, but she also had an eager army of young and old men willing to fight only for beautiful women, ready with buckets of mud.
But she was a differently honest woman.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
“I don’t want to take advantage of being a woman. I am equal. If I was involved in him, if I had a physical with him, it was my equal wish, and my equal fault. I enjoyed it when it happened. So now I cannot say he deceived me. He has as much freedom to change as I have.” she said.
“It’s not the same for a woman” said a friend to pacify her.
“Then it’s time I make it so.. at least for myself.. I don’t want to think I was mentally weak enough to be physically taken advantage of” she replied. “I cannot imagine that he is not suffering this break up. I know he is. I will not tie my body to my wishes and hopes. I do not want my body to be a currency. I am as divine physically and mentally as any other human being. I am entitled to feel the same freedom as he does”.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
Growing up in a twisted world which had umpteen layers of standards when dealing with women, she knew all the politically correct words. When a teenager girl falls in love, the parents allege of her having been “deceived in a trust trap”. As if she was never aware of such traps, as if she was never educated of how most men behave. The concept of falling in love while growing up, having a relationship which may not terminate in a marriage is all too heavy for many societies, and there are umpteen resources roped in to chain a beautiful man-woman bond into the shackles of religious, social, cultural dictats.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
There are many instances of women being abused, mistreated and in general discriminated against, but there also are many (especially in the educated and higher classes) instances of the opposite. Both are equally bad and to be raised voice against. A woman should never be touched or spoken to against her will, and a man should also be treated with the same dignity. Wrong intention is not the monopoly of men.
“I will suffer, I know. But this is not extraordinary. People meet, like and dislike each other and go their own ways. To think that one can only correctly like and love someone with the sole purpose of marrying is too hypocritical. There are singles who love better than many married ones. There are many who found their soulmates after a lot of experimentation. Marriage is definitely a holy and respectable bond, but certainly not the only seal of true love”.
She went on. She recovered, albeit with scars. So did he. They are both doing quite well now, great achievers. They have both found new love again.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
The beauty of life is too big to be trapped inside the tiny cells of sociocultural prisons.
The words “I Love You” are used less to express true love than to express mortal desires, to blackmail someone into doing something that they do not want to, to take advantage of the emotional dependence and respect of the one who has affection for the other. This “blackmail by beloved” becomes a deadly game of unhappy endings in many cases, as the chains of these three beautiful words wear out by overuse. “You will do this if you truly love me” is an ultimate indication of a desperado taking advantage, on either side, who hasn’t the guts to ask for what they want and respect the other person’s choice to decline.
There are also the two faced. I know of a lady who turned into a sweet talking angel and continually talked about her ‘being a good girl always’, grabbing the attention of people around her every which way possible, to have them praise her. If they didn’t, she would cry to describe the umpteen unfair things happening to her, most of them imaginary. If not praise, she would try and get sympathy. But the real deal was when she turned into an altogether different person when with her husband. She’d throw tantrums, shout, break glasses and even assault her husband. She would not only attack him with forks / knives, but simultaneously shouted “Someone please save me, he is beating me, please don’t hit me” etc. The neighbours always looked upon the poor guy as if he was some kind of a villain, as she always was so sweet with them! After years of this hell, when he spoke about it to our common lawyer friend, he was advised “Whatever you do, do not hit her.. the whole world will blindly turn against you immediately. No one wants to know or understand the truth in a man-woman quarrel. Men are presumed and declared guilty already”.
“What’s my option? She attacks me, hits me, tortures me and no one ever believes when I say this.. not even my own relatives.. because she is an entirely different person with them” my helplessly torn friend asked.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
“Leave that house” was the option the lawyer suggested.
We need better understanding, better interaction and better counsellors / resources while dealing with the most delicate of all relationships: the man-woman relationship. We need a less critical and judgmental society, we need better laws and open discussions.
The newer generations appear far more mature about acceptance of ‘break-ups’. There also are some excellent counsellors working in this field now. However the tendency to emphatically keep on repeating that every marriage is a happy ending in itself, that one’s spouse is the most ultimate best thing to have happened to oneself etc. is not necessary. It is like shouting “I am not a thief” in the street when no one has blamed you to be one. If you have a good husband or wife, you are lucky and deserve it. If not, one must have the courage to sort things out without pretending.
I am proud of the woman in first case, she is my student. I am also proud of the man in second case, who survived ending that relation.
The judgmental mudslingers in both cases are having a hard time dealing with their own lives for a change. Some spend an entire life time away from the beauty of reality. Others win the game of life.
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande