The Tortured Beloved
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
“I want to kill my father, Doc. Is there any way?” said the polished lady.
Used to a life full of shocks, cruelty and in general many negative shades of human behaviour, we learn to mask emotions to avoid turning off the patient /relative from telling us the whole truth.
This was a googly, and I made a conscious effort to retain my composure.
Thirty-something, very posh and from a high class cultured family, this lady was one of those who automatically garner respect of people around them. What she said didn’t fit in with the mental image she had impregnated upon my mind. Could she be one of the “PSY” cases?
“I live with two daughters aged 9 and 14. My mom passed away 10 years ago. My husband stays away as he cannot tolerate my father. My father was a military officer, retired with many honours. About 5 years ago he started forgetting things. We took him to many doctors all over India, they said he had dementia. Two-three years ago he started abusing in the worst filthy and obscene language we never thought he could use. He also started getting naked anywhere, and doesn’t care if myself, daughters or neighbours are around. He passes urine deliberately when in public and around us. He also makes attempts to sexually abuse us all, and tried more than once to grope the maids, who then left. We had a hard time when a maid filed a police complaint. I could not dump him as no one else can look after him. So I nursed him at home, and my husband who could not tolerate this daily abuse left us to stay in another state.” She started sobbing. All I could offer was a few tissues and a coffee.
I waited for her to speak again.
“I am sorry”, she said in a wet, guilty, embarrassed and one of the most pained voices I have heard. “I love my father as much as I love my husband. I could not dump my father. But then I cannot let my daughters go through this every day. They are terrified and have started behaving strange. We took him to many psychiatrists, and they gave medicines which kept him calm, but he developed too many side effects and could not move out of bed. Now he refuses to take any medicines and if we force him, he gets violent.” Again amongst sobs, she showed me her blue-black swollen shoulder.
“I have to tie him up to his bed and lock his room at night, but he keeps shouting. Our neighbours have started asking us to either dump him or move out of the society. The old age homes do not accept such patients.”
“I am a personality development counsellor, but my work is suffering now, I have lost my smile. I have lost my life. I cannot die, I have two kids to grow up. So I want my father to die. Is there any legal / medical way to kill him?” and then a volcano of unvoiced pain of years wailed out through her throat. She kept her head on the table and cried.
It was unprofessional, but I had to get up and pretend to wash hands just to be able to wipe tears in my own eyes.
Fronto-temporal Dementia, a cousin of Alzheimer’s dementia is a condition in which along with progressive memory loss, there is abnormal behaviour, delusions, sexual inappropriateness etc. It happens due to degeneration in some parts of brain. Progressive for about five-12 years, till patient develops some fatal complication.
This was not totally new. I remember many patients who are tied up at home, beaten up cruelly by their family, and left to die due to this kind of behaviour. This tragic management is also commonly meted out to many psychiatry patients who are burnt, injured with sharps, shackled and tied to beds / trees, kept with head under running water and even poisoned / sedated with herbal or even allopathic medicines to ensure safety of those around them.
Few years ago, one family of bodybuilders (all five brothers in land business) admitted their father with the complaint “he burnt himself with hot water in bathroom”. There were many bruises too. “He fell at home.” They told. When the sons left, the servant told the resident doc: “They (patient’s sons) threw boiling water upon his genitals after tying and beating him, because he tried to touch his eldest daughter in law”. This patient had severe parkinsonian features too, so was not able to move much due to stiffness. They had beaten him up and burnt him in that condition!
The lady in front of me regained her calm in few minutes. I explained her what many Neurologists and Psychiatrists may have earlier told her many times, about such being the nature of this disease. However, we have many safer medicines to control psychosis now. I wrote her a prescription and promised her that I will try and locate a “Care center” for such patients with this severe level of psychosis. There were none in that city. The next option was to hire a male servant and rent a small single room apartment with attached toilet nearby where she could shift her father. Sedatives (sleep medicines) at night were required.
Her husband shifted back. The family appeared to gradually recover from the mad-bad days.
As much as we need the doctors to explain the family about such illnesses, we also need to educate the society about such conditions, and care homes for these patients. Inhuman beating up, tying down, injuring, poisoning etc. humiliating fates by one’s own children is probably the worst that can happen to a human being.
When the lady came to visit with her daughters few months later, her cute daughters wished me mannerfully. We all grown-ups avoided the topic of “Sick Grandpa”. However, the 9 year old, while leaving, boldly asked her mom’s permission to ask me a question.
Then, looking straight in my eyes, the kid asked me “Doc, why did God do this to my Grandpa? Is it possible to cure him? We used to enjoy so much together, I was his dearest. It is ok if he hurts me, I want him back”.
I cursed my stunned wits. “He will get better soon, dear” I lied to the cutie.
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande