Tag Archives: humor

Hon’ble Babaji’s Medical Interview

© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

A long fleet of luxury cars entered our big hospital. Sirens and whistles, security guards brandishing their AK 56s. and shouts of humiliation for the common men and women suddenly filled up the scene.

Hon’ble Babaji had arrived. A vacuous smile and blessing hands greeted one and all. Babaji was known to cure one and all with his blessings, secret medicines, chants, touch, and even exercises. There was nothing he didn’t treat, so he was the ultimate superspecialist with highest experience and cure rate. No deaths were ever reported among those millions treated by Babaji.

I was in the ward with some of my colleagues, a junior doctor then. The most reliable pleasure in the life of junior doctors is pretty, beautiful and handsome colleagues to work with! Rare exceptions with extreme merit are of course there.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

A rich businessman and senior minister was admitted in emergency with a heart attack last night. Doctors had performed an emergency angioplasty, barely in time to save his life. Highest offices in the country had warned doctors to ‘do the very best’ for him, till the time he could be flown out of the country for the most advanced treatment. After the meeting of money, influence and power, we got a chance to request Babaji for a small interview to guide us inexperienced doctors. Looking at some of the prettiest faces among us, he gracefully consented. Here are some excerpts of the interview for the benefit of mundane, inexperienced new generation doctors and junta:

Doctor A ( looks OK): Namaskar Babaji! Can you tell us where you studied this art of curing all the illnesses?

Babaji: Beta this is the inheritance of generations, bestowed upon those who perform some secret rituals, it took me many years in the forest to learn it all.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Dr. Me ( looks ugly as you know): But Babaji, did you have patients to treat in the forests?

Angry Babaji: No. To learn this secret art you do not need to practice upon patients like your medical science. Once we know, we can directly cure everyone.

Doctor B (stunningly beautiful, common crush): Babaji, can you tell us how you treat a case of open head injury?

Babaji (with an gracefully sexy smile): Come beta, sit here, so you can hear me. We first hold some leaves hard pressed against the wounds to stop bleeding, then pray for the patient with some internal healing chants. We then call the relatives and explain them how futile and fragile life is, and ask them to accept fate. Usually they do. Some rare ones take such patients to hospitals. There too, some die and some survive. Those who survive mostly do because of the prayers. You can come to our place if you want to know how to treat all types of emergencies. We have even made some dead alive!© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Doctor C (Meritorious. That’s all.): Babaji, there are so many poor patients dying in so many government hospitals, in small villages, everywhere. There are so many hunger deaths too. How come you and your chelas are never seen working your magical powers for such poor and needy patients? In the same time that you visit a businessman, minister or appear in a TV interview, you could treat and cure hundreds with the power you claim to have.

Babaji (red): You will not understand, because you do not have faith. Next question.

Doctor B: Babaji, you and your drug company earn in multiple billions. You are a saint yourself, and do not have material aspirations. Then where does all this profit go? Are you secretly using it to help treat poor and downtrodden?

Babaji (drinks water): There are many charities we do, but one must not tell others what charity they do. We submit the reports to the government. I am getting late, beta, it is my prayer time.

Doctor A: Just one more question, Babaji.. it is said that you cure diseases like cancers, AIDS etc which have no medical cures. Is that true?

Babaji (winks one eye): If you ask me in front of media, I will say no. Because I do not like too much attention and fame. But if you come to our place, you will see the miracles that our ancient formulas and personally researched products can make. They are all FDA approved and safe. Millions have been cured. We treat everything!© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Babaji smiled proudly and got up.

As he walked in the lobby, many poor patients and their relatives who tried to touch his feet were pushed away by his security. Only pausing to answer questions by TV channels, posing holy, Babaji disappeared in his luxury car.

I went back to the room of the rich senior Minister to record his blood pressure. He was on the phone, talking to someone “Yes, yes, Babaji just confirmed his plan to buy another aeroplane. I have promised him that you will design the customized interiors for his new plane. Come over tomorrow”.

Then, as I recorded his notes, I politely asked the rich minister “Sir, why didn’t you go to Babaji first when you had chest pain?”

He replied what most Indian Politicians, Media personnel, and many Judicial experts feel: “You are too inexperienced about these things, Doctor”!

© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Please share unedited. Any resemblance to any human being or animal is deeply regretted and unintentional. Praying for better logic and reasoning in all human beings.

G-Bhai, The Suicidal Intellect.

G-Bhai, The Suicidal Intellect.
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
 
G-Bhai is an extraordinary genius, and all that he lacks in the matter of manners, culture, and grooming oneself to a neat and clean appearance is compensated for by his superb analytical abilities and internet access. He was so engrossed in Google all the time, that he was nicknamed G-Bhai by his family.
 
A few weeks ago, he went to his boss, who owned one of the biggest profitmaking multinationals upon earth. The boss was absorbed in his divine meditation about new tricks to lay off more IT personnel in pursuit of that greatest human achievement in today’s world: moolah. G-Bhai, who believed in complete equality, sat cross legged in front of his boss, and scratching his beard, told his boss where all the boss and the company could improve. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande
The boss, amused by free entertainment, asked G-Bhai where he learnt it all.
“Internet” said G-Bhai, and showed some Googled statistics to his boss.
“Thank you, you are fired with immediate effect” said the boss
.
G-Bhai wasn’t affected at all. With his oversized grey T shirt, jeans, slippers and laptop that connected him to all the internet data, he was still the king.
 
He thought of adventure, and went to the Indo-Pak border. The firing and shelling was full-on. He met an Indian soldier who asked him to hide in his shelter. The soldier, who had spent all his life upon the border, was prepared to even die for this citizen, so gave away his helmet to G-Bhai.
G-Bhai was intensely searching the internet, wearing the soldier’s helmet.
“Don’t fire the gun like that” told G-Bhai to the soldier. “This website says the right way to fire is with the gun aimed at oneself”. The soldier ignored him and continued to defend the border. Just as he held a hand grenade to be thrown, G-Bhai held his hand. “Let me search first if you are doing it correctly” he said. The soldier, now in defense of his own life risked, slapped G-Bhai tight and asked him not to interfere. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande
 
G-Bhai proceeded to write a very critical review of that soldier, saying that in his opinion, all the soldiers were doing it all wrong.
 
Then he went to the court and tried to teach the lawyers how to argue, and the Judges how to analyse cases and deliver judgments. He showed them multiple websites from which they could learn law. “We are all equals, why are you sitting so high?” he asked the judges and tried to sit on the Judge’s chair.
After six months in jail, upon his release, G-Bhai went to the police commissioner to teach her how to deal with crime and criminals, based upon internet searches from different countries. He came out limping, and refused to tell anyone why. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande
 
Due to excess stress, his health worsened. He went to the best of the doctors. He demanded that he wanted a complete check up to reach the most correct diagnosis. He was advised tests. He researched the internet and did only the tests he thought were necessary, because he thought all doctors were corrupt. He reached a very reputed doctor with the test results. The 70 year old doctor examined him, checked the reports and told him: “You are a failure in your own life, you have excess stress, and are unable to handle it. You are jealous of everyone who is doing well, and therefore you have developed a complex that everyone who does well is either corrupt or wrong. Go home, exercise, find your own life and deal with yourself” When he tried to show the experienced doctor what internet said, the doctor smiled and asked “Did you also net-teach your parents how to make you?”. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande
 
G-Bhai then went to many doctors in many pathies. Then he researched and tried many home remedies. But his health kept on worsening. He was very upset and started a blog of criticizing that all the doctors. Here, for the first time in life, he discovered success: he was an instant hit, because there was a huge population who agreed with his views. There are more buyers for poison than for wisdom in this world.
 
But unfortunately by then, his kidneys failed due to experimentation with various medicines and various pathies. Now he is undergoing dialysis and posts his anti-doctor articles from the dialysis ward. The old doctor recently visited him with his flock of medical students, and spoke with empathy to the bitter G-bhai, who tried to show the old doctor some more internet references about his treatment.
 
The old doctor then told his students: “This is what I would call a suicidal intellect”.
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
 
 
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Allopathy? Oh, No!

Allopathy? Oh, No!
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

“Doctor, I don’t believe in Allopathy. There are so many traditional remedies that work wonders. We heard of this treatment where you eat certain flowers, and they cure everything, even cancer and AIDS.”
“Doctor, we hear that there are cures to many diseases, but the pharmaceuticals and doctors want people to be ill for longer, so the right treatments are hidden, and only useless costly medicines are prescribed.”
“I don’t want any medicines that cause side effects. I am allergic to almost every allopathic medicine”.

One standard answer:
“Then why are you here today?” © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

We live in a world brimming with superstitions and claims of all kinds. From parents killing a girl child to dowry deaths, from voodoo to sophisticated five-star magic healers, we have it all in our society.

Add education and a degree (not mandatory), add internet, and one becomes the King or Queen of personalized wisdom. Now one can question anything except one’s beliefs and random internet claims. Even years of training and scientifically proven facts, good or bad.

From scorpion bites to poisons of different kinds, from heavy metals in overdose to drinking one’s own pee, there are claims of cure that have been refuted by authentic scientific research, but then the easiest thing to question and suspect today are scientific knowledge and a doctor’s integrity and training, no matter how little one has studied medicine. Just as most hospitals struggle to fight infections, people happily drink urine: mostly studded with some of the deadliest microorganisms known. The fact that many children have died of Urine therapy does not seem to affect the popularity of this myth. By this logic, a person with kidney failure who is not urinating should become immortal! But only the proponents of this therapy will be able to tell why kidney failure patients die within hours of not passing urine. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

I had a classmate who would blindfold his eyes and cross a live railway track, to prove his courage. Whenever someone questioned his safety, his pet answer was “I have done this many times, nothing has happened”.

It stands to reason (again a doubtful criteria in some communities: why base arguments upon reason when there’s superstition?), that if you believe that all Allopathy is a hoax, you have a complete freedom to stay away from it all your life; that at least will save the Allopaths some burden and free them from the daily sins they are so presumed to commit by treating with a hoax science! May be one can wear brass badges that say “I don’t want Allopathic treatment, don’t take me to an Allopathic hospital even if I am serious”.

While some Allopathic doctors do use medicines injudiciously sometimes, it is seldom with an intention to cause harm, no doctor thrives on a bad reputation. Everyone wants their patient to get better.

Those who do believe that doctors are only after money, that Allopathy is just another deception, that most treatment choices that doctors make are selfish, they are welcome to never enter another hospital again in life. There are umpteen non Allopathic therapies from magic to music that are claimed to cure every ailment that Allopathy cannot.

Is there nothing better to do in your life than to visit places that you don’t believe in? Do you get a high questioning a doctor’s scientific knowledge while being unable to question your own unscientific hearsay myths? © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

God forbid, but next time someone is sick and dehydrated, down with a pneumonia that stops breathing, has a heart attack, or bleeding from a head injury, please call that friend who suggested that scorpion stings heal everything. May be he can help.

What will happen if children are not vaccinated? What will happen if all Allopathic hospitals are shut down?

Stand outside the discharged patient’s section in any Allopathy hospital, you will hear daily stories of returning from death’s clasps. From polytrauma to cured cancers, from patients recovering from a paralysis to stopped hearts beating again, Allopathy brings life to most. Have some respect for what science has achieved!

Allopaths should stop wasting time arguing with those who continuously belittle Allopathy and sing praises for the unscientific. Use that time for saving lives of those who need you better. The easy answer is: “Yes, you may drink your pee or pet a poisonous scorpion if you enjoy its bites for your health”. Reserve the social education for those who understand logic.

We don’t believe that science needs permissions to be accepted. What is proven goes through rigorous scrutiny and is then marketed. But then again, this is expected to be understood by only those with a certain mental education, reasoning ability and logic, those who are not carried away by every myth they hear.

As for the rest, may your faith and belief alone heal you.
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

PS: There are some traditional remedies that help some medical conditions. That does not refute the benefits that Allopathy has brought to mankind.

“If I don’t set an example, who will?”

photo-23-02-17-18-56-00“If I don’t set an example, who will?”
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
One fine late morning, a phone call woke me up. “Hullo?” I used the trained professional cautious voice that does not encourage further conversation, hoping to not let go of the sleep stage.
“Good Morning. I am Rashmi Shukla, Commissioner of police, Pune. May I speak to Dr. Rajas Deshpande?” the lady on the other side said.
My heart missed one middleclass heartbeat and performed five higher class somersaults. Sleep ran away like a signal jumping two wheeler pursued by a traffic cop.
“Yes mam, speaking” I sat up in bed.
“I want to show my aunt to you. When can I get an appointment for her?”
This was unusual.
Usually most bigwigs just walk in without any warning and want to be seen immediately. Some soft-threaten an appointment via their secretary. Some come with the hospital owners, some hassle the boss to get the doctor rush for them whenever they want. There even are netas and officers (not only police) who ask doctors to “hurry up” with the patient in the chamber and see them first. If you make them wait, your boss usually would remind you many unpleasant things in chaste English.
So, about this call, I felt very respectful.
“Anytime you want mam. What time is convenient for you?”
“You say doctor, you people are always so busy. I will arrange my schedule accordingly”.
“4 PM today?” I asked
“Ok. We will be there” she said.
At sharp 4 she came with her aunt and waited patiently for their turn. Inside the chamber she behaved like a common citizen, and politely narrated the details of her aunt. She listened to the instructions and prescription details, and asked a few questions. She made me laugh with some puns too. Then she thanked me and left. We kept on reading about many new initiatives and improvements she implemented in Pune.
When she followed up today, again with similar polite call for appointment and then a punctual visit, I told her how admirable and respectable her politeness and etiquette was, and how rare it has become among the highly placed.
She smiled: “Doc, If I don’t set an example, who will?”.
Huge Respect, Commissioner!
May all police and government officers be like you!
Then when I requested her permission to write this and also for a a pic, she said “If you don’t smile in the photo, I am going to have you arrested immediately”.
Thank you, Mrs. Rashmi Shuklaji, Commissioner of Police, Pune, for making a common doctor like me feel great again about my choice of this profession!
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Naked Cavemen, Einstein and Calvin Klein

Naked Cavemen, Einstein and Calvin Klein
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
Lower courts give judgements. Higher courts change them. Higher courts give judgements, other benches change them. Government fights with courts. All of them work less than 8 hours (few exceptions) and have sumptuous vacations. Judges without medical training will decide about medico-legal cases. But any of them do not require exams to improve performance or to deliver better in spite of huge backlogs. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande
Almost in every government office, in most departments controlled by them, bribery is a rule rather than exception. Piles of files do not move, pensioners die without pension and farmers commit suicides. But the concerned authorities who work 8 hours per day do not need any corrective courses or exams to assess their performance, to compare where the developed world is today.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
In most of the healthcare facilities run by governments, there are severe deficiencies: no appointments of doctors, no proper salaries, no facilities or backups, no security, and worst of all, no vision. But the people who are responsible for making these policies do not need any training, assessment or exams. The very people who want youngest generations of doctors to provide world class medical services to rural India do not want to change their decade old failing policies.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
The thousands of practicing Babas, Gurus, Quacks who are officially seen tied up with the highest of the land and bash the allopathic and scientific medicines spreading poison in the society do not need any exams to preach or practice. The lawmakers who do not ban tobacco, alcohol, helmetless driving, the people who eat unhealthy and mistreat themselves or family do not need any exams. The transport offices that issue driving licences to unfit drivers do not need training or exams.
We see many military men and out of respect treat them free. They are so patriotic that they seldom expect anything in return from the country. But they often relate how bad the conditions are for them and their families. There is a crop of people who quote the military sacrifices as if it was their own credit! Those who are responsible for the upgradations in facilities for the military personnel do not still need any exams.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
There are deaths due to hunger and malnourishment. But the ones who are in a position to change this by making right laws do not need any exams. Illegal buildings are erected, labourers die when they collapse, but the concerned professionals do not need exams or assessment.
547 extremely responsible and respected representatives who waste the public money in daily crores over a month due to ego issues, not being able to come together in the interest of the nation to resolve issues, blaming it all upon each other do not need any exams to assess their performance.
But the actual allopathic doctor, who has stood highest merits in all exams, stayed on the top of the competition to earn his / her degree late in life, all of whose exams had 50 percent as passing limit as opposed to 35 percent in all other professions, who has sacrificed family life, sleep and food for over 10-15 years just for learning, who works almost 24/365 and solves health problems on a daily basis, updates his / her knowledge with CMEs, stays in touch with the latest and delivers it to the poorest of the poor with equal affection, carries the country’s failed healthcare upon his / her shoulder is not good enough for them! Now they want the allopath to appear for exams lifelong, suspecting that his / her knowledge is still not enough good for them, even after the CMEs.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
If the millions of doctors are forced to give exams repeatedly all their life, they will happily do so (for they are not afraid of exams). But this will take away billions of doctor-hours out of service (exam leaves) in an already failing healthcare system, will tax the patient more, will open up new channels of corruption and another universe of chaos will add itself to India. Who cares? The ruling mood seems to be ”Patients will die, patients will pay”.
The current CMEs are world standard, do not tax patients, and enough effective. But our system seems to want “better than the developed-world class of doctors”.
This is like the stone-age naked cavemen asking Einstein and Calvin Klein to appear for yearly exams to stay updated for serving them.
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
PS 1: The nicer you are, the worse your troubles. Doctors must unite upon an apolitical platform to fight stupid laws being proposed.
PS 2 For those who are not able to think beyond medical malpractices and corruption, please make an effort to understand that there are other issues in medical practice, and this post is not about money.
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The Price Of Love

© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

He tied her to the pole, abusing and insulting her.
Wielding a knife in his hand, he slapped her once more. “You are supposed to be the honest one” he shouted, “I am a man. You were talking with our neighbour. What did you say to him? Did you two fix up a place to meet secretly?” he was trembling with anger.
She looked into his eyes, and replied “Don’t you talk to other women? Doesn’t your mother talk to other men? Do you always talk about that? I was asking him about his sick wife”.
Pulling her by her hair, he said menacingly in her ears: “Look, don’t compare yourself to me. I am a man. You are supposed to be the one who gives up everything for me. Do you think I don’t know how ‘those’ women behave? You have chosen to marry me. I can do what I want”. She didn’t reply. What could she say to a paranoid, suspicious person who had one way communication? The option of violence wasn’t open for her.
As it became dark, his mood changed. He started speaking soft and sweet. He untied her from the post so she could cook. She could not eat well, the humiliation and insults, the allegations and violence wreaking havoc in her mind.
Silence fell upon the dark. The next day’s work awaited her at dawn, so she skipped the sobbing and tried to sleep.
“Make love to me” he ordered. She tried to comply.
He raised his voice “It should come from the bottom of your heart. Don’t pretend. Love me madly, deeply, and let it show in your action”.
Silently, she replied “I can’t. The only one thing that could have made me truly love you was true love from you too”. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande
This is the current scenario between the society and the good medical professional today.
Take for granted that the whole medical profession is one’s slave. Make allegations at every possible opportunity. Be suspicious and paranoid. Hold a doctor guilty for any news anywhere without logical enquiry. Make them overwork under the sacrifice tag. Disrespect them, beat them up, ask them questions as if talking to criminals. Presume every other doctor and every big hospital is a fraud.
Then, when one has a health problem, expect them to be truly, deeply compassionate, loving angels who will do the best because they are married to their principles of being good and kind to everyone.
If you expect the doctor to be truly nice and kind and compassionate to you, to make best decisions for you, ask yourself if you deserve that. No amount of money will buy you a doctor’s love and respect, no amount of hateful criticism or threats will compel your doctor to be compassionate.
A doctor’s real fees is the respect and trust you place in him / her. No amount of money is worth the value of your life. Pay with suspicion, threat and disrespect, and you destroy the compassion you truly deserve.
The doctor-patient trust is a coin with two sides, one side cannot be blank.
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

PS: I know the word “exaggeration”. Learnt it from some movies and TV shows that criticise doctors.

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Targets and Doctors: A Fatal Flaw

Targets and Doctors: A Fatal Flaw
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
“What will you become when you grow up?” a common question heard in childhood. Always weary of doing the routine and fond of a little spice in life, I had kept a list of answers to surprise and occasionally shock the questioner uncle / aunt, based upon the spontaneous dislike they generated by other questions and general behaviour and replied something like “It’s a secret” or “It depends upon when in future” etc. There is no better revenge than vagueness for some. In the moment when they paused to react to that vague answer, I would make an innocent face and ask “What was your percentage when you were my age?”. Then the explanations of how things were more difficult and in general marks were lower back then were very entertaining! Curiously, those uncles / aunties did not ask me further questions. Target hit.
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
For the better and polite class of grown ups, I had the standard answers that my parents would like: Doctor, Scientist etc. The real answers were too “out of the league” for the culture I grew up in then. One thing was sure: the big-eyed respect that the words “I want to be a Doctor” evoked from the listener was sure better than any other response.
Somehow the wish to become a doctor caught hold better, probably because of parental influence. Once I completed MBBS, I loved the actual interaction and started realising the enormous satisfaction potential that the skill generated. The ‘high’ of vast complicated knowledge sharpened daily by experience was superior to the ability of a non-medico to understand or praise it. It was an autonomously growing satisfaction.
Then came the thought that I want to learn more. There are better skilled people, who could treat better than me. Getting admission to MD Medicine was very difficult, there was no question of paying in private colleges as we could barely even afford the govt. medical college fees. A lot of somersaults later, I got admission. There was an explosion of medical knowledge and wisdom suddenly, and there was no choice but to comply. Good and bad patients, good and bad teachers, good and bad friends, good and bad times were all drowned by the prime necessity and survival technique of every genuine doctor: Study!© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
Ego is greedy. Mine too. After MD, there was a desire that I want the highest specialisation: DM. More battles. More scars. All worth the title. With that degree, it felt like I have won the world.
At that time if anyone had said I worked for a financial target, I would have declared a war.
Many more steps in education later, I woke up to the naked reality: however good a specialist you become, you have to either have your own multicrore hospital, or work at someone else’s. Basic medical practice is far different from specialty practice, which requires more time, more investigations, intensive care and complicated treatment strategies / surgical techniques.
When one joins a private hospital, one realises this more intensely: there really are good and bad specialists. Some are very thorough in their academic base but cannot convert that in good patient outcomes or numbers. Some are very sweet and courteous with patients but they lack proper skill, knowledge or experience. The spectrum is wider than one can imagine. Obviously like in every profession, some think of earning more money as their primary aim.
Anyone who owns a hospital must invest many crores of their private money, directly or via bank loans. Sometimes the govt. helps in reducing the cost of land. But in each case, the maintainence cost of any hospital runs usually in lakhs to crores, more with each bed added. Intensive care beds are the costliest investment.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
When the owners of any hospital invest crores of rupees, they have targets to return their loans., to maintain the expenses that run in crores again: right from 24/7 failproof electricity and water arrangements to the availability of medicines, stents, catheters etc. in the hospital premises. The nursing, reception, helper, technician staff (in most major hospitals, the staff runs in thousands) must be engaged in three shifts, and paid in time commensurate with other establishments/ professions.
The only help that comes from the govt. is initial subsidy in land / water prices. There are no tax relaxations for any hospital/ staff. 20% of all services and beds are reserved for the poor. (If anyone has doubts that the poor-reserved services are not utilised, they can verify with the charity commissioner any day). On top of this all govt. employees must be seen at pathetically low rates, and even that amount is usually pending to be paid for years if not decades.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
Add to this the profiteering that the medical insurance companies have created: on one hand twisting the arms of private hospitals to provide specialty medicare at bare minimum rates, while on the other hand declining many deserving patients medical coverage due to idiotic reasons.
In this scenario, the last thing that a corporate / private hospital can afford is a non-performing specialist, whose salary runs in lacs of rupees every month (which is what that cadre deserves).
Most corporates / private hospitals are aware of this, and usually support a budding practitioner till his practice picks up. After that, the least he / she is expected to do is to maintain that level of practice or increase it, returning the investment that the hospital has made in his growth. The provision of a furnished room, electricity, washroom, cafeteria, parking, staff and salary to a non-performing or underperforming doctor is not affordable for every hospital.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
This generated the word “Target”, which was quickly coloured villainous by many. Which financial endeavour can be run without setting financial targets? If anyone is naïve enough to think that all hospital owners will invest their hard earned crores for charity and leave the returns to fate, they must get examined by a qualified practitioner. If the hospital cannot generate enough profit money, there won’t be any growth in medical technology. If they cannot repay loans, the hospital will be confiscated by banks.
Many hospitals of excellent doctors have closed down because they could not sustain the charity they attempted. Indian poverty and healthcare need is beyond the capacity of even the govt. to cope up with, so to expect a private company / doctor / hospital to provide free / concessional high quality continuous medical care to everyone can only be a fool’s dream. This applies to the MRI centers, diagnostic facilities, labs, physiotherapy units etc. where multiple crores are invested.
Some hospitals realised the potential of profit making in this “Target setting” and turned greedy. Mostly good specialists do not stay at such hospitals. Even if most hospitals pinch most doctors to achieve certain numbers, not every specialist works to achieve that target. I know many who would rather keep their ethics and be good clinicians, still staying in the lesser favourite class of management, rather than selling their ethics to shine among the administrators.
The notion that “Every specialist in every big hospital is working to achieve targets by deceiving the patient” is a fatal flaw developing in the mind of our society . Fatal because this also generates fear of going to the right specialist or reaching too late for them to be able to save life.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
If I cannot afford a Mercedes, I will drive the car I can actually afford, rather than blaming and maligning the entire car industry. Many other cheaper, equally safer options are available for travel.
The problem is, everyone wants the best, highest class of super specialty medical care in luxurious set-ups, at the price list of a sarkari dawakhana. Most doctors who studied in govt. hospitals know that the quality of doctors is very good there too, but if we give that option to the patient, they say “No, not in sarkari” because they want to avoid long lines and “general population treatment”.
As the doctor is the only responsible face that the patient sees in the hospital, many obviously end up thinking that every penny they pay is going to the doctor, at least in percentage. Many will be surprised to know that a doctor usually gets less than 10 % of the total hospital bill as his fees in most cases.
Few will understand that the real “Target” that most doctors work for is to do good to the patient, to save lives. Millions of successful treatment and surgical outcomes from the corporate and other hospitals are a proof of this.
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande
Dedicated to the private hospitals started with the aim of making available specialty medical care for the society and caught up in unfair, unjust allegations because everyone wants free healthcare.
PS: There are greedy doctors and hospitals, like in every other profession. This article is not about them. It is wrong to advise patients unnecessary procedures / tests to achieve financial targets. This article is to explain to the society that target setting is essential for any hospital where recurring investment in new technology and maintenance is also the responsibility of the owner.
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The Bollywood Hospital

The Bollywood Hospital

© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

“You are invited for the inauguration of The Bollywood All-or-None Good Doctor’s Ultimate (BANGDU) Hospital” said the card. I was ecstatic, because now I could meet the so-claimed best experts in the field of medicine, the Bollywood heroes who “create” and advise the screen doctors, and know best about medical profession. This was also my lifetime lucky chance to learn about new methods of medical practice yet to be discovered by the actual medical professionals practicing all over the world, like conducting heart transplants only by using cellphone batteries and delivering babies using toilet vacuum pumps over Skype after graduating in engineering, which all the Medical councils seem to approve without hesitation.

My good friend with emotional incontinence (uncontrollable crying / laughter) Mr. ‘Arun Khar’ (Mr. A) was to be the medical director of this hospital, because usually he declares himself the perfect and best at the outset, and everyone else has to be compulsorily less smarter in his shows, movies or whatever else he does. As I wished him a good evening, he reminded me that I should now call him ‘Dr. A’ as the Bollywood Medical University has conferred upon him the superspecialty degrees in all medical and surgical branches within one year of joining the course because he was too smart: in fact, he showed me the special “Oversmart of the Century” certificate conferred upon him by the BMU.. There was one more reason that he was chosen the boss: he had also produced huge number of patients via his work, in the field of violent revenges and other human injuries so essential to improve other human beings.

The crowd was overwhelming, as the public and some TV channels were very excited that the “Real Good Doctors” from Bollywood with Godly qualities were now available for their free and most accurate miraculous treatment, there was no possibility of any patient dying. Unless of course they wanted to shoot for some movie, where the script demanded that the patient died. The hospital was decorated by the best imported designers in artful colours, live orchestra played beautiful tunes stolen from the western musicals, but the theme was Indian (sorry, Desi). The ambulances standing outside had turbo and nitro modes, and their sirens were created by the best South Indian Music Directors, in the “Karuna Rasa” (nectar of compassionate pity). The paramedics and ambulance drivers were said to be trained by the best Hollywood stunt masters. Each ambulance was also equipped with praying priests from at least four different religions.

So it came that Dr. A started showing me around.

“This is out Casualty in charge Dr. Mithun Coconut”, he said as we entered the casualty, introducing me to a sickle-wielding man who was threatening all the casualty doctors. “He has already killed three doctors today for not saving the dead bodies of our innocent film stars who were fighting gang wars with guns, bombs and knives since their childhood”, Dr. A proudly hugged Dr. MC. They both wiped their eyes after taking the right pose in front of the camera.

Dr. MC then explained the relatives of a critical patient of brain tumor, by showing them an X-ray film of pelvis on the view box. How artistic and meaningful!

I was curious about the blood bottles hanging upon each wall, ready to be transfused, labeled “Lost son 1, Lost Mom 3” etc. When I asked about it, Dr. A answered with a trademark cunning smile: “That is our creative idea: so we don’t waste time in blood grouping etc., we can readily transfuse blood when the lost relatives are here. We are so advanced, we even have emotional singers sitting in the casualty specially for that occasion”.

“These are our Operation theatres”.. he showed me two rooms with green and red bulbs over the door. We entered the first room. It was empty. “This is our ‘Director’s cut’ OT… Different genius directors invent different medical / surgical procedures, like cutting the heart and keeping it in the freezer till the hero kills the villain, hero holding his totally cut head for days so it fits back, conducting online deliveries etc… we have reserved this OT for such emergencies. You routine doctors will never be able to match us!”.

The second operation room had specialized music systems to adapt to the patient’s heart rate and criticality. It automatically started to show the patient’s life in flashback and played songs sung by either his / her parents or fiancé in the past, so their heart would restart. “The doctors and anesthetists are very well trained here to look frightened and concerned into each other’s eyes and sweat heavily when the patient goes serious. We have three specially trained “tears of joy” nurses who smile a curiously contorted smile when the patient’s heart restarts. The lighting also adapts to the situation” He described.

Then we went to the ICU.

The moment we entered, someone karate-chopped my neck and hit me on the head. As I regained consciousness, Dr. A introduced me to the ICU in-charge: Dr Akkha Kumar. I had heard the name earlier: He was world famous for his work: killing all those who were living and saving all those who were dying. “Why did you hit me?” I asked, hiding behind Dr. A. He looked at me angrily and said “This is my style.. I assault all qualified doctors, govt. officers etc. to prove that I am better than them. Do you understand?” He asked, pointing a gun at my forehead. “Yes, Sir”. I said.

A nurse came running “Dr. Akkha sir, the patient has had a cardiac arrest.. they are resuscitating him”.. Dr. AK jumped over three beds and thrashed the doctors who were trying to save the arrested patient: “You idiots.. his heart has stopped.. Khattam… Don’t treat this dead body now..”.. “But sir, she’s young, and may survive..” said one young doctor… “Bang”. He received a bullet in his forehead. “My Style, remember?” asked Dr. AK to me. Some people came in and actually performed a pooja and aarti upon him for his human values: after all killing and violence was such an easy solution to all problems, which the likes of Gandhi and Einstein had missed!!

In the next room, there were many elderly ladies. “We even provide these praying and crying Moms to our patients at discounted rates. They have a degree in emotionally blackmailing the doctor, and the only way our patient’s will start talking again, however critical with whatever diagnosis.” Explained Dr. A.

There were sounds of loud music coming from the auditorium next door. As we entered it, we saw the ever clever and strong  Chunabhai MBBS: whose famous radical theory of providing “alcohol and sex” to all dying patients had caught the fancy of our times. The old methods of religious recitals and soulful things were so bland for the dying! How could sex and alcohol not make them happy in their last days? These were the only things one could want in life, especially when dying young with grievous illnesses! Chemotherapy, Radiotherapy, Counseling.. were old treatments. How innovative and mind-blowing!

“Is it all free?” my natural question.. “Yes, for those who watch our movies. You must show the tickets for entry in this hospital. Those in emergency can buy tickets for our shows in the multiplex on the top floor.. we thought of everything.. medical charity is our aim”. “What is your first response when an emergency arrives?” I asked Dr. A innocently.

He smiled his famous “Ain’t I cutely great?” smile, and said: “Just see”.

In a few minutes, an ambulance rushed in. Dr. A was at the forefront with his team. What a hero!! The patient was apparently having a heart attack.

They made a circle around the patient. Dr. A and his team removed their shirts. Some wardboys came with buckets and mugs. Some others rushed in with a huge water pipe. The orchestra opened with loud drums, to which they all danced: “Jab Life ho out of control … Toh Hoton ko karke gol.. Seeti bajake bol… Alll Izzz Welllll (Basically a hindi song meaning when Life gives you the raspberry, just say All Is Well to yourself till situation resolves!)” .

As the music drowned the patient’s voice, I saw the relatives and TV channels line up to get the autographs of these greatest doctors upon earth!

(c) Dr. Rajas Deshpande

PS: Purely an imaginary story. No truth at all. Any resemblance to any human, animal or non living entity or event is purely a perversion of reader’s imagination.

PPS: For all the criticism of medical profession they show, whenever the b’woodians need to show a hero / heroine intellectual, he / she is a good doctor automatically. This post is for the real good doctors!

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