Tag Archives: Woman

The Angry Husband Pandemic

The Angry Husband Pandemic

© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

“She can’t tell properly. I will tell” said the husband when I asked the patient what were her complaints. Right from the name, it was him who had answered all the questions for her.

“Does she have a speech problem?” I asked him.

“No” he replied, then the wife started telling her complaints.

The list was typical of stress related complaints: chronic aches and pains, sleep problems, lack of interest, tiredness, giddiness: a picture also frighteningly common among the youth today.

“What do you think is the main reason for your stress?” I asked, after I found that her examination was normal. The husband offered to wait outside, and she said yes.

Once he was out, the lady regained her composure, took in a deep breath, and folded her hands. “Doc, please don’t tell all this to him. I am terrified. My husband is a very angry person, and reacts very aggressively to small mistakes or whatever is against his wish. He was not this angry earlier, but he is under a lot of work pressure himself, so whenever he comes home, I think I have to accept this anger because he has no other place to vent his feelings. Even when he calls, he snaps at the smallest of things, scolds and insults me. On weekends he wants to be left alone and if at all I try to interact he has outbursts of anger. Earlier I thought that this was the beginning phase of his career, so I tolerated. But now my whole life revolves around this fear of his reactions. He treats other women very formally and mannerfully, but treats me like dirt”. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

She wasn’t alone. The phenomenon of wife being intimidated by anger of her husband is one of the most common relationship statuses in India. Even when 70 or 80 year old couples visit, the wife usually requests the doctor to advise her life partner of over 50 years to control his anger. Superiority and validity of anger of a man over a woman is so commonly accepted in India, that if some husband treats his wife equal, questions are raised as to his being “man-enough”. Paradox: I know of a wife who told her husband in their terminal fight before divorce: “May be you didn’t know how to handle a woman. Maybe you should have slapped and kicked me and treated me like my father treated my mom. They never had fights, because he knew how to shut her up”.

The implications of applying the Global western culture to an orthodox society are many, and mostly disastrous where human relationships are concerned. While some women proudly boast about the anger and domination of their husbands, and how ‘secure’ they feel about this ‘manliness’ that controls them, only a few realise how far away from true gender equality we all are. Growing up with “Princesses and Damsels in Distress” being rescued by “Knights In Shining Armours”, we have probably conditioned our minds too much to notice whether the Knight treated the Princess well in the “Happily Ever After”.

Let us not even talk about the “he-works-and-earns-so-naturally-tired-and-angry” type, or the “Highly-praises-his-wife-in-public-but-treats-her-like-dirt-at-home” type. The blind acceptance of what earlier generations considered normalcy and words in lieu of actions are both crimes we are all equally guilty of. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Implications of this angry husband? A woman who spends her life never growing up being herself, stays a slave to his whimsical outbursts of love playing a hide-and seek with humiliation and anger. Some do this while working and raising children, while some others do it sacrificing the high education and training they have taken, in the name of making a family.

Making a family also means happiness and freedom of thought, speech and action for a woman, responsibility sharing and respect towards the feelings of each other, but this is yet to dawn in many societies, where the bread winner automatically becomes the master and the remaining family members his slave. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

To be just, one must also mention that there indeed are women counterparts of this phenomenon, where the anger outbursts of a woman hold the entire family for an emotional ransom, where the husband and kids never can feel ‘at home’ in the one where she dwells. But fortunately this is rare.

There also are rare pleasures of meeting some brilliant couples who have mannerful and respectful attitude towards each other (not a show). They hold hands, stay together, and laugh genuinely, whether in public or at home. Those are the definitions of love. An occasional tiff may be unavoidable, but there’s rarely anything that cannot be resolved when the two in a relationship know the correct balance between words and silence. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Sometimes some diplomatic men boast with too many chests about their success and achievements, while mentioning in their speeches how their wife was their strength and how she is an ‘equal partner’ in their success, how they could succeed because ‘she looked after the family and kids’, just looking at the wife’s face tells volumes about the reality. My stupid mind is sometimes tempted to ask “Did she choose that or was her duty taken for granted?”.

As I counselled the couple, I realised that so many times we cannot fight deep rooted socio-cultural notions of gender inequality. In the age of rabid egos where there are more break ups than patch ups, where we know more words than feelings, where winning verbal argument is considered a superior ability to healing actions, it is becoming perpetually difficult to imagine that marital relationships will evolve any further unless immediate steps are taken to educate children right from school about the correct interpretation of gender equality and the incorrectness of what is being accepted as normalcy: “Anger Outbursts” under the pretext of being stressed or busy.

For anger or the presumption that it is justified against one’s life partner as a ‘soul venting’ mechanism are both unhealthy for everyone involved: a disease that has now become a pandemic.

© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Please share unedited if you believe in true gender equality.

The Sacred Duty of A Man

sacred

The Sacred Duty of A Man

© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

One night after the ward rounds, just as I left the hospital, I received an urgent call. The patient, a lady in her late 50s, had become comatose. She was admitted three days ago under a colleague for bleeding in the left side of her brain, that had caused right sided paralysis. She was drowsy since admission, but that day she had some vomitings and then became deeply unconscious.

She was already in the ICU. The most common reasons for drowsiness in admitted population above 50 years of age is either medicines or low sodium levels. Her sodium was very low, we started the treatment.

Her elderly husband walked up to me as I came out of the ICU. Extremely worried, but still maintaining his calm, he asked me “Will my wife be okay?”

I explained him the situation, and reassured him that though there was no threat to her life then, the recovery from paralysis was unpredictable.

“That is okay doctor, but she must survive. We don’t have any children, she has looked after me all her life. I will do anything for her” he said with a heavy voice.

They came from a village 5 hours away from Pune. Mr. Arvind Gandhi was a retired pharmacist, surviving on his savings, with his wife Mrs. Aparna, till this calamity hit them.

That was four years ago.

Since then, he became her complete attendant and caretaker. He took care of her in that bedridden state for over a year, cleaning her and feeding her many times every day. He took her regularly every day for physiotherapy, and brought her for consultation to Pune as frequently as required. He learnt taking care of home, cooking, housekeeping etc., and never shied from the medical expenses although his sources were limited. Thanks to his extreme dedication to her care and extraordinary will power, Mrs Aparna Gandhi has now recovered enough to independently carry out her daily routine, and also helps her husband in cooking and other tasks.

“When I saw my wife in that condition, I was heartbroken. Then I thought, it is my duty as a man to fight for and take care of the woman I married. I changed overnight and decided to win this situation rather than giving up or asking for help”. Mr. Arvind said today when they followed up.

“Looking at his dedication and love for me, and his effort to make me recover, I developed a willpower too, and decided to recover and take care of him again” his wife replied with a smile.

As doctors we commonly see that many men treat their wife and her health problems as ‘not so important” issues. Many in fact drop their wife to her parents’, to be treated and sent back after the ‘repair’. Many take it for granted that the lady’s parents should pay for all her medical expenses even after years of marriage. In fact, many even compel their sick wives to continue with cooking, housekeeping etc. shamelessly claiming that there is no option. There are no laws about any of these.

We also come across such rare ones like Mr. Arvind Gandhi, who fight with the fate with all they have with the simple yet golden mentality of caring for the woman who cares for them. All men are thankfully not the same, and there indeed are simple and humble men like Mr. Arvind Gandhi who set examples of what a man should be. In the growing market of meaty and arty men flaunting everything except culture and kindness, these examples are easily drowned. Hence this article.

While many pundits fight for the correct definitions of life and love, let us congratulate Mr. Arvind and Mrs. Aparna Gandhi for their extraordinary struggle, willpower and the victory.

©. Dr. Rajas Deshpande

PS:

Thank you Mr. & Mrs. Gandhi for permission to share this story.

Please share unedited.

Abyss, c/o my country.

 

© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Bruises everywhere, black, blue, purple, red and swollen. Especially groins, buttocks, thighs, breasts, back, neck and face. One cut on the forehead. Dried blood on lips.
She was sobbing, speaking in a muffled voice: “Can you imagine they beat up a woman like this?”

Single postgraduate woman, staying alone in a metropolis, in a building near the police station. Operated for a brain tumor, on medicines, occasionally gets spells of abnormal behavior and symptoms like staring, imbalance, speech arrest, slurring or passing out. Disowned by family because she had fallen in love outside their caste. The guy later abandoned her, married in his own tribe.
She is jumping jobs, never accepted for long at one place when they realize she gets such spells. Being young, tall, beautiful and fluent in English, she usually gets too much attention from men. She quit some jobs because her bosses made advances.

She often faced lewd comments and received “offers” from men in and around her society, whenever they found her alone on the stairs , elevator etc. Her angry responses and retorts offended many. Her “seizures” or blank spells were thought to be ‘witchcraft’. Her window panes were broken down, the landlord refused to help, asking her to leave. She could see faces in her windows at all times, especially at night.

Once when a local lady politician’s husband tried to hold her hand, she slapped him, unable to control anger. Within a few minutes, the politician, along with some other women and men, mobbed her flat. She ran out.

There in the open area outside society building, they all beat her up : grown up men and women together, alleging her of witchcraft, of theft, of ‘stealing their men’, of ‘luring men and children’ etc. This continued for about twenty minutes.
She limped to the police station. She was arrested as someone had just registered a complaint against her. The mob reached the police station with the politico, who alleged her of theft, violence and use of foul language. She was taken to the government hospital, After dressing her wounds and splinting her hand, she was locked up. Released next morning with a warning.

She had come to the our hospital next morning, asking for a new prescription as she was scared to go to her own apartment.

After the nurse offered her water and a tissues, I examined her. The wound mark of the brain tumor surgery was not affected, but there were bruises around it.

“Did you have vomiting? Did you become unconscious?” I asked.
“No, but my body is aching everywhere. I don’t have any money left, you had told me not to miss any doses of antiepileptics. So I am here”.
I offered her free admission in the hospital (My boss usually helps). She refused. She also refused to do any tests or to let me call her brother living in a nearby town.
“If he didn’t understand my love, he won’t understand my pain” she said, “ I will leave this city in a short while, that politico lady has threatened me with more thrashing if I am seen around again”.

As we arranged for the medicines for her, she sat there, hands around her legs, intense anger in eyes, chin resting upon the knees, her sobs shaking our faith in humanity.

On the day prior to her major brain surgery, she had said “Doc I am not afraid of death at all, it is people who scare me.” I understood it now.

We all are grown up with almost similar training: that civilized men never hit women. Our parents, teachers all always taught us the same thing. Where does it all vanish? How is it possible to kick the delicate parts of a woman, knowing that it will inflict agonies worse than death? The men and women who beat her up were almost all from a middleclass society, at least half must have been educated. In a country that worships so many goddesses, how can women be treated like this by mobs? Every single woman, whether normal or suffering from mental or physical illness, risks lust and violence even among the most educated and civilized. Where do we start to stop the mob cultures? Women’s Empowerment has remained caged in the umpteen videos and messages that circulate all over, while women are abused by the “Manly Men” and mobs alike.

The nurse and receptionist packed her some food, a month’s dose of medicines, and we offered to arrange a taxi to drop her home. With single depressed patients, the doctor must always think of a possibility of a suicide. I urged that she please call her brother or mother.

“No thanks Doctor”, she said with the most bitter smile I have seen: “I will not kill myself because people are bad. I want to live and enjoy life. I will go where people will understand and accept my illness… and respect me as a woman”.

She limped away accompanied by her own sobs.
I wondered for many a restless nights: where can she go?

© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Come on India, take a selfie with this daughter of yours!

Come on India, take a selfie with this daughter of yours!

© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

“Will I ever win? I feel suicidal.” said the 25 year old orphan with Multiple Sclerosis. In a world drooling over the stories of “10 Richest” or “20 Most Beautiful” women, there’s hardly any scope for noticing an orphan girl who fights alone against an incurable disease.

VS, a dignified young Indian lady, divides her life fighting three wars: living as a single female at a bed-share facility for women, working her job as a receptionist at a nearby clinic that earns her a minor income, and the incurable neurological disease Multiple sclerosis that causes disability at an early age.

“My mother left me at an orphanage when I was 2 years old. She saw me last when I was 3. After that I don’t know anything about her or my father. The orphanage taught me how to survive with wild human beings around. They also helped for my education. I was diagnosed with MS when I was 20. They shifted me to Pune for better climate. Now I am pursuing BA”. VS told me.

“The owner of the orphanage in Pune didn’t know Multiple Sclerosis, and always said I was ‘faking’ my limp and fatigue. She made me do a lot of physical work. I couldn’t. So I left that orphanage”.

She then stayed at various places: a blind school where a volunteer was required, homes of other MS patients who came to know her through MS society, sometimes on the streets and now got a bed share at a dingy, cramped female hostel.

“Whenever I get sick and cannot walk due to MS attack, a local hospital helps me with steroid doses, the MS society gives some medicines free. Sometimes other MS patients pay for my treatment”.

Now she has developed mood swings and depression, common in MS patients especially her age. Naturally, her behavior is intolerable or unacceptable to those who invite her to stay with themselves. Where we cannot tolerate the raised voice and mental fluctuations of our own parents and children, who is trained to shoulder those of an orphan? Who will pause their own life to feel the dying mental pulse of someone who knows that there will be no one to look after her if at all she is crippled, and that there is no cure for her illness yet?

No language in this world can describe Loneliness.

“Some societies help, but they have their rules. The MS society helped me many times. But then, how long can I do this?”

She is now tired. She knows her limp will not improve. She knows free treatments are not the only answer. “I feel suicidal often now, I know things will never be my way. Life will always be at the mercy of someone’s help”.

I told her it is common to feel so in MS, and good treatments and counseling can help most patients.

Her reply left me shut: “Sir, I don’t need that. I plan to fight this with my own mind, for I want to survive without any mental dependence.  Someone should have counseled my mother about how I will feel all my life when I come to know that she dumped me”.

“I wanted to marry and have children. Who will marry me? I know I am beautiful and some men are after me, but none for marrying..”. These are probably the most difficult words for a proud woman to say to anyone, and her eyes clouded red.

As VS broke down in a tearless silence, I fought with a hundred false reassuring words I could say.  I didn’t want to insult her suffering by saying them. A doctor must learn to cry within, still with a smile upon his face.

I remembered the story about Lord Jesus Christ, describing his “Via Dolorosa” (journey of pain), when he had to carry his own cross while being tortured all the way to the site of his own crucifixion.

There are so many patients who know they are going downhill, that they will never return to good life again. No songs of motivation, no thunderous clapping of groups, no shouting of any slogans, no celebrations of their plight will ever cure them. This world is addicted to “superficial temporary relief” in an attempt of “self glorification” at the cost of someone else’s suffering. Real answers are far away.

We are all engaged in shamelessly loving ourselves. So much so, that a country that plans multi-crore space missions in search of new life cannot take care of the “Live” suffering of a young woman existing NOW, here, amongst us! A country proud of 100 crore stars and billion dollar IPLs cannot support its own daughter in suffering.

Come on India, take a selfie with this daughter of yours!

There is no hope for dignity without money.

The new definition of “Orphan” is “poor”.

And these words just screams in a black hole !

God solve this please.

© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Real story. VS is in Pune, and kindly permitted me to write her story.

RD