Tag Archives: Zen

The Zen Of a Doctor: An attempt of honest meditation

The Zen Of a Doctor
An attempt of honest meditation
© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

I am now tired, mentally fatigued, I want to recover to joy. I do not want to lie to myself.

I love treating patients, resolving their health problems. I love the feeling of their recovery. I love the gratitude that comes my way. I am proud of this ability to be compassionate, to harbor empathy and to understand and fight suffering of another human being. I am proud, that money is not on the top of my priority lists. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

But now I am tired of the whining: not the whining of suffering, for that is mine to destroy happily, but the whining by choice of adopting an extremely stressful, dirty, unclean, unhealthy lifestyle, not preparing to change, not preparing to pay for health, and then blaming it all upon a doctor. Women openly suppressed by husbands and large families, children tortured by parent’s whims, men exploited by their own desires and careers, and an orthodox, superstitious society where the most literate and educated believe in sometimes poisoning themselves with unknown medicines, and then have the audacity to question a qualified doctors’ intentions in writing a prescription. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

They want everything of the best quality, from panipuri to cars, and are willing to pay extra for every luxury, while expecting that only healthcare must come free, and the very doctor whom they cannot trust, cannot tell the truth to, must treat them with best empathy and honesty, give them enough time to ask unnecessary questions and doubts, and then should waive off the fees out of sympathy. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

I am also tired of the corrupt practices in medicine, and the hopeless scenario that everyone rather tends to believe that the doctors are all corrupt (some indeed are, but so are few in every profession, shut up pseudo Einsteins of argument!) rather than seeing the open markets established by uninhibited corporates who are seen hand in hand with the administrators, some pharmaceuticals and some in power. Corruption by those in high places, that ranges from producing some of the worst quality, inexperienced doctors, to dispensing lower quality everything just because they have understood this trick: people fall for low cost anything, even health. Such a disaster that people do so many unnecessary tests under the “Health Check” scams themselves, but when the doctor advises even one test, suspect him / her of wanting more money! © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

I refuse to be exploited. I can only change myself, not the world. Hence this meditation.

I want to live a good life: not full of gold and diamonds, but of joy, health and inner peace. Of independence, financial as well. Of my own choice and preference, not what the society decides for me. I want quality time for myself and my family too. © Dr. Rajas Deshpande

I do not want to be a busy doctor irritated and shouting at everyone: I would rather earn less and guard my composure. Those who cannot respect this will be given a chance to understand, but only once.

I will continue to stay highest in my principles. I will refuse to compromise on the quality of healthcare I want to practice, just because someone wants a cheaper, faster but less ethical alternative, less correct choice. I will see less number of patients and rather spend enough quality time with each of them, and charge them higher as per time and expertise, rather than hurrying through.

I will choose to encourage trust in my patients with my own behavior and words, but if I realize they are still trustless and question my integrity, I will refer them to their choice of another specialist, because I want to retain my best peace of mind for my next patient.© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

I will not take the extra effort to explain everyone why I do what I do, my duty is to be honest to myself and my God, my patients. I have limited time, now and in life, and I will expect that faith, trust and a level of basic intelligence (that has nothing to do with education) will enable everyone to see clearly that I mean well. That is my promise to myself: I will always mean well to my patients, and offer them my best. That should never preclude my own happiness. This will enable me achieve my inner peace so essential for a doctor.

I feel better with this already.

© Dr. Rajas Deshpande

When once I met God

When once I met God
(c) Dr. Rajas Deshpande

Rainy Sunday. My Corolla, still young at 8 years.

I had just finished rounds and was still irritated at the never ending task list. From grocery to Income tax, there always is something pending, and what’s done is never enough. Countless patients with their endless problems, trusting you to solve them, and many suspicious that you have other intentions. Add the cut-throat professional competition where hitting below the belt is a smart move, and frame the picture with the duties towards each relation, closer the costlier. Driving through the city, you cross faceless somebodys flaunting ugly egos. Their middle name is money. Bribe hungry vampires wait at every corner, dressed in official greed. Nothing to be proud of, nowhere to go and nobody to look up to.

Life felt like a carcass with vultures on all sides, tearing me away.

Top gear, I entered the expressway and switched on my mental autopilot: the beautiful sound system that was prepared to play the huge collection of music: seventeen thousand tracks, pieces of history encoded in sound, human creation that separated us from animals.

The system burst alive with “Les Valses de Vienne” by Dmitri Shostakovich / Francois Feldman (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6mwqQvv99c ), and my brain lit up at the smiling face of my most favourite actress Sophie Marceau dancing gracefully to the waltz.
Irritability vanished, and a hopeful yearning for good days started whistling to the tune of this eternal piece of music. It hijacks my brain every single time. Born to a shop maid and a truck driver who divorced when she was nine years old, she made to the top in French films and a mark in Hollywood. She must have had her mountains of problems and valleys of a lustful society to overcome before she reached the top, but she indeed made happy memories for the world! It must be so damn difficult to smile and love and dance in front of a camera, knowing inside the reality called world. Then I felt it: that the beauty is your inside, what you can be, what you do good. Nothing outside will ever change, and the mirage of a utopian society will always kick between the legs of most idealists. But at the end of the day, what one will run to, what one will beg for, and what one will regret having lost is this: that all the time one had to do good and feel happy was wasted in feeling bad about what people are and what they do.

The music system, competing with the madness of its owner, shuffled to Simon and Garfunkel’s “El Condor Pasa”.. “A man gets tied up to the ground, He gives the world its saddest sound” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNbltoivskc ) . How tightly we hold on to the ground, never letting go! How religiously we guard the image we like to create of ourselves for others, and how much beauty of life we sacrifice to safeguard that image!

The rain decided to be nice for once, and became torrential. If at all it rains, it should rain like the final war, or it should not rain at all!

“Moonriver” by Henry Mancini started, as Audrey Hepburn sung in a most loving, melodiously romantic voice, what the heart had always craved: “There’s such a lot of world to see… we’re after the same Rainbow’s end” … so many artists have made timeless icons of lovely moments that soak our lives..

God knows how mute love would have been without music, and how dry without the rains!

The uncontrollable desire to get drenched, suppressed for long, took over me. No book said it was unbecoming of a doctor. I parked on the shoulder and got out. Happy raindrops jumped upon my being and got hold of everything I had.

Ironically, the happiest and the saddest moments in life are when you have nowhere to go and nothing to prove. If you hold a hand in the rain, you are the luckiest, richest in the world. If that hand holds your hand too, you have lived life.

Steaming hot poisonously sweet tea, made by a roadside stall, added to the flavour of that moment. Like a loving but stern mother slapping the bum of her naughty child, nature had shooed shut human movement, a reminder to the highest rule: enjoy happiness while alive. . Big and small, rich and poor, all looked at the sky, content with nothing, smiling at the rain, forgetting the desire to earn more in that moment!

Nostalgic, I recalled sitting by my father and watching water-lily buds broken open by raindrops. I remembered my stunningly beautiful friend with curly hair who kissed me on Marine Drive by the roaring sea under the stormy rain, standing on that parapet, forgetting that there were shocked people around. I remembered falling flat upon my back like a hundred idiots while running with my kids, telling them to be careful.

What is it that I am running after now, with so many beautiful things around me: the music, the rain, the friends, my kids, coffee, books, driving, writing… What more will I buy that will make these things more meaningful? Is it worth being unhappy, being irritable with the world, trying to change people, having more money than being able to enjoy peacefully?

Once in a recent radio programme (recorded) Mr. Ameen Sayani, that messiah of voice, played a rare clip of speech by Mr. Raj Kapoor “Sangeet nahin hota toh jaane hum kahan hote, kya karte, kaise jeete (If there were no music, God knows Where we would be, what we’d do or how we’d live)”.

I suddenly realized, that the music, the drive, the road and the rain had conspired to take away my worries. They had reset the method in my madness. The eternal ‘Flute’ so dearly mentioned in “Geetanjali” by Rabindranath Tagore had played in me.

The rain had stopped for now. The music never will.

Thus I met God in my own Happiness.

(c) Dr. Rajas Deshpande